A reference list of my vids can be found beneath ( the cutCollapse )

So I watched Season 1 of Breaking Bad. My watching journey was something like this:

Bored, bored, ewwwwwwwwwwwwww ewwwwww ewwwww, still bored, ewwwww, bored, bored, ewww, ewwww, ewwwwwwwwwwaghhhhheewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, bored, bored, not so bored, ew, bored, ew, hmm... bored, hmm... STRANGELY HOOKED IN BUT DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY.

( cut for slight mention of events in season 1 for the spoilerphobicCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/246129.html. comments Comment here or there, as you will.

Source: Bomb Girls
Pairing: Betty/Kate
Song: Rosebud
Artist: The Jezabels
Summary: It always seems you can't turn round once you choose to ride...
Notes: It was difficult to know how much of Kate's backstory to include in this, but since this is a Betty-POV piece, I found it better to allude to most of it rather than to show it overtly. Nevertheless, this piece does contain spoilers for all episodes to date (2.6). I am rusty, rusty, rusty as a vidder but enjoyed the chance to vid a Jezabels track (so much love for them!).



This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/245706.html. comments Comment here or there, as you will.

Getting ready for freece's book launch of Captive Prince, and listening to her interview on Melbourne's JOY FM... So proud of my BFF! \o/

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/245462.html. comments Comment here or there, as you will.

I have a new show!

Bomb Girls - Canadian show about women working in a bomb factory in World War II. Great cast, pretty decent writing, and it well and truly aces the Bechdel test.

Is anyone else watching it?

Betty's my favourite, with Kate and Gladys runners up, but I enjoy all the characters to some degree.

And now I have an excuse to vid one of my favourite tracks ... whee! Even if I do have to kind of pinch and squeeze to make it work ... Please give me more footage, show! March 25 = too long away! Plus another idea for an ensemble piece.

Inspiration = yay!

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/245169.html. comments Comment here or there, as you will.

2012 was fucking dreadful. Not ALL of it. But much of it. I've never felt so disorientated, terrified or dissociated from myself and life as I did in 2012. I can't say that a lot of places but I want to say it somewhere. Acknowledging the dreadfulness doesn't mean I'm defeated though: I'm grateful right now to still be standing, still be off medication and still be moving forward with life somehow. Even when progress seems glacial.

I'm grateful for the compassion of my partner, my friends and family. I'm grateful for a lovely house to live in, a garden to sit in and find some moments of peace, and for my pets, who make it a home. I'm grateful for the therapists and other professionals who have helped me this year.

I'm grateful not to be suffering the physical effects of withdrawal any more. No matter what happens to me from here, I'm glad my body has a break from drugs right now. And from caffeine and alcohol too--I'm proud of myself for having given those up and don't miss them. I'm sick of feeling adrenalin flooding my body and anxiety attacks--so I am grateful for the naturopathic herbs that are helping me control that. I am grateful for a pen in my hand so I can write a journal at least.

I wish I didn't cry so much, I wish I had more energy and concentration. I wish I wasn't so fragile. But I'm also trying to practice some self-acceptance and if that's how things are right now, that's how they are. There is no day on which I don't feel relaxed and happy at some point. I am grateful for that.

My resolutions for the year are deliberately small and based on recovering my inner peace. I want to reconnect with things I enjoy--even if at first it feels terribly forced. With dancing, reading, TV (at the moment I can only really do comedies but we'll see), film, and animal stuff (seriously animal stories are my go-to calm down drug right now). I want to spend LESS time thinking about my mental state and big picture stuff and more time enjoying details, the small things. Trust myself, trust time, trust life a little more.

And I'd like to say to all those people who found 2012 to be hellish: you're not alone, and no, it's not always going to be like this. Even I know this! I may not always *feel* it, but I know it. :) So I'm grateful for a new year that brings new possibilities.

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/244964.html. comments Comment here or there, as you will.

In the last months I suffered a breakdown (panic attacks) and relapse of my depression. At times I've been so disconnected I had no idea who I was and my thinking has been paranoic and distorted (but I don't recognise it as such at the time). However I have lucid times as well and still hope to be able to stay off medication.

So I haven't been in a place or time where I had a lot to give to other people (hence lack of posting here). But in my searching for ways to help myself and give myself hope that I can see this through, I've come across a couple of resources that might be of interest to others who suffer from depression, anxiety or other mood disorders:

optimismonline These guys have an app where you can track your symptoms and the various ways you look after yourself (sleep, exercise, supplements, etc). You can customise it with the techniques you are trying so you get an idea over time what is really making a difference. This seems really ideal to me in terms of self-monitoring, on or off medication.

curetogether This site gathers data from people who actually have various conditions who report on how useful they found various treatments. The results are compiled as here for depression:
http://curetogether.com/blog/2011/05/03/23-surprisingly-effective-treatments-for-depression-one-year-later/
VERY useful to bust the myth that medication alone is a solution. Obviously there is no one-size-fits-all solution to depression as it's such a blanket term that covers a lot of different things, but it's a great way of seeing that there are many ways to support ourselves (most of these can be combined, after all!). And which ones are fucking useless--alcohol and caffeine!! (And some fairly useless medications!)

smilingmind An Australian initiative to promote meditation, especially among young people. It's a very userfriendly, accessible introduction to meditation with the advantage that you can use it on your computer at work in short breaks. Meditation has been instrumental for me--when reducing my medication and now to recover. Absolutely everyone benefits from it--the key is to learn how very easy it really is!

( my own list of most effective treatments so farCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/244554.html. comments Comment here or there, as you will.

= LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE

Fuck, 7.1 was epic.

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/244312.html. comments Comment here or there, as you will.

So... you know how I posted a couple of months ago saying 'whee! I am off meds and all is AMAZING AND GREAT!'? Yeeaaaaaaaaaaah.... slightly premature, hence my long silence.

There followed a couple of weeks of excruciating pain and rising panic and anxiety. Without going into too much detail, I never want to live through that again. At least it will be a strong motivator never to go on that poison again.

Of course, I had (typically) attempted to do ALL THE THINGS in the month where I finally got to zero so crazy physical and emotional shit aside, I've also been rather busy. Edited several large projects for work plus my best friend's novels (soon-to-be ebooks). Had m_a_r_i_k_s visit (so much excitement!) and as well as hanging out and seeing some sights, helped her make a music video (zero experience on my part so it was one of the most insanely stressful but coolest things I've ever done). Crashed my car in the middle of said filming (thankfully no one injured but car nearly totalled). Learnt a few life lessons in the process.

Then there were a few weeks where I slept or lay on the sofa in a kind of comatose state of shock. I am just emerging...

Fannishly, I'm ... not fannish. Or at least it's at a 5-8 year low or something ... Better to be honest about that I think. Although, m_a_r_i_k_s and I watched The 10th Kingdom (looooove) and the third season of Farscape (ALL THE FEELINGS :((((((((((((((((() while she was here. However in terms of current fandoms I'm just not that engaged and unlikely to be so quickly.

But I do miss vidding and I am pleased to see the vids coming out of Vividcon right now...

I didn't log into my fandom email account for months so it was kind of TERRIFYING. O.O I forgot that one of the reasons I stopped doing so was that the vast deluge of comments I receive on 'I'm Not Yours' (especially in the wake of Lip Service Season 2) is very bad for my mental health. :( There were one or two gems (ah YouTube comments, never change in your whimsy and bad spelling...) but wading through offensive, ignorant, emotional or unthinking comments about a show and characters I'm still heartbroken over is not fun. I guess it was good to face it because it's been a hidden pain/fear.

On the positive side of things... I've now been off meds for a couple of months. Physically I feel great, emotionally I feel more resilient than ever before, even though I've had quite the number of emotional crises in that time. Not a single one of them made me consider reaching for medication. I feel great about that and especially grateful for the liberation from side effects which I'm starting to experience--notably my low blood pressure issues are markedly better, I shake less and I lost a couple of kilos without really noticing (ok that was probably partly due to the intense filming schedule but I'll take it!).

So that's me. How are you guys????

PS. I have strangely been missing Smallville lately. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE FINALE THIS HAS HAPPENED.

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/244040.html. comments Comment here or there, as you will.