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12 June 2008 @ 08:37 pm
Introspection  
I've been in a very introspective mood recently, and among other things have been contemplating my fannish status.

It's not been an easy couple of months for me with my fandoms. Smallville Season 7 wasn't the strongest season ever, but it did have some brilliant Lex material, except now, of course, he's gone. And the news re. Season 8 has not exactly filled me with hope. I will watch Season 8, but I do feel like things are coming to an end there. The remaining aspect I'm most invested in (Clois) doesn't seem to be a big part of the writers' agenda for the season so realistically I think there will be a dimming in my enthusiasm for the show. I'm kind of ok with because it's a very gradual thing but it is hard because it was my gateway fandom and it's not the only show that's coming to a close...

BSG. Sigh. BSG has been haaaaard. I didn't even realise how high my expectations going into season 4 were until they totally failed to be fulfilled. I think I found it a lot easier to roll with the punches (or plot holes) in season 3, when there was still plenty of time for things to come good again. Now I feel like there's a ticking clock while I'm watching and a voice screaming 'they're running out of tiiiiime!'

Where my ship (Kara/Lee) is concerned, I feel completely crushed. It makes no sense whatsoever to me to play that big grand scene at the start of this season and then have them not even speak to each other on their return. I know there's a lot of other plot threads going on, but I'm talking 30 seconds. That's all it would have taken.I have a horrible feeling the writers don't feel they need to do any further storytelling about them, and that they've pressed 'pause' on the whole relationship until, say, the last 15 minutes of the final episode, when they'll suddenly throw in some tearjerky declaration of love before nuking at least one of them. (Um, yes, my cynicism is a problem.) If that happens, it will actually piss me off MORE than if they had actually ended the relationship formally for some greater plot purpose. I want character consistency, dammit, not 'shock!' moments.

I know my crankiness about this is spreading to the show as a whole, but I've also been disappointed in Lee's plot. I was so excited about his political career, but I thought it would be played with slightly more realism. One week he was the new guy, the next he was CAG of the Quorum (everyone looking to him), and then WHAM! he's President. I can't be UNhappy about that, but it could have been better (particularly Sine Qua Non).

I miss being in my emotions when I'm watching BSG. Nowadays I get thrown out of it so often, I find I'm picking holes in the eps before they're finished. I try to get back into it but... that emotional connection is missing most of the time, and it's leaving me feeling empty. My heart's not in my meta these days and I miss it.

I've been having a long hard think about what to do about this. Obviously season 4.0 is nearly over and there's nothing I can do about that. But I'm a completionist and I *do* want to see things through to the end of season 4. How could I ever give up on Lee?! :D However, I clearly need to a) lower my expectations and b) acquire some zen. queenofthorns has been rewatching earlier seasons and I'm thinking that this could work for me too. I am due a rewatch anyway and it might help me to either find other aspects of the show to enjoy or just revel in nostalgia for the bits I always liked.

The other zen-inspiring solution I've come up with is: VID. When in doubt, vid. Vidding creates an emotional distance even when there's not one and usually allows me to reconnect with the source in a different way. So I'm still engaged but my expectations and desires are different. I've got several BSG vid bunnies floating around my head at the moment (Paranoid Android left a big hole) but am yet to fully settle at any of them. I think I'll push myself to do so though because it will cheer me up AND keep me distracted.

This leads me to the third part of my fannish crisis/transition though. I think I'm starting to be a vidder as my primary fannish THING. I don't know whether that sounds presumptuous or obvious, but it was quite the revelation to me when it occurred to me earlier this week. It's not a reflection on the quality of my vids (just to be clear!), though I do think they're getting better--it's more about the amount of time I spend vidding versus other fannish activity these days. I started out writing meta mostly, and I don't see myself ever giving that up, but with the two main shows I write about on the wane, it's not surprising I'm feeling a little lost. But more and more I approach fandom from a vidder's perspective--I even vet potential shows on how good they might be for vidding! When I've got spare 'fandom' time, I inevitably watch vids. Or rec vids. Or beta vids. Or vid. ;)

Overall this is a positive realisation because vidding is something I can take with me beyond my current fandoms. However, thinking it through, I do have some anxiety about the fact that it's a less interactive fannish activity--or it feels that way. Vidding is a lot of solitary work. Meta, on the other hand, is a short burst of solitary work and then (when it's going well) a lot of fascinating to-ing and fro-ing with other people. So I experienced some probably-misplaced anxiety about possibly losing some of the social aspect of fandom if I retreat into my vidder's shell. I think there's a fairly easy solution there though, and that's to keep posting and commenting regularly.

I guess I'm both interested in and a little freaked out by these changes. I've been in fandom several years now and this is a new phase for me.

If I wasn't so introspective right now, here's where I'd be playing...
- svgurl is running a Lois Lane Love week and posting daily round-ups of activities. I'm looking forward to catching up on the weekend!
- latxcvi has a mega-poll on the best and worst of Smallville, which I am very curious about.
- talitha78 posted some great truths about vidding.
- daybreak777 made an AWESOME post about favourite vid moments which I totally totally want to emulate, but every time I try and narrow down my choices I go into meltdown or find that an hour has passed and I've been playing the same vid over and over again. One day! Soon...
 
 
Current Location: sofa of comfiness
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
 
 
Alexandra Leaving: BSG - Lee/Kara hugsalexandral on June 12th, 2008 12:34 pm (UTC)
Where my ship (Kara/Lee) is concerned, I feel completely crushed. It makes no sense whatsoever to me to play that big grand scene at the start of this season and then have them not even speak to each other on their return.

I have missed one beautiful Kara/Lee moment in Sine Qua Non, have you seen it?

Here:
http://galacticabbs.com/index.php?autocom=gallery&req=si&img=147836
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Kara/Lee dreamybop_radar on June 12th, 2008 12:38 pm (UTC)
When she turns and looks at Lee after Adama leaves? Yes, I saw it. They were very very pretty in that scene, but it wasn't really about them--it was about Adama. :(
brigantia_65 on June 12th, 2008 12:54 pm (UTC)
I miss being in my emotions when I'm watching BSG. Nowadays I get thrown out of it so often, I find I'm picking holes in the eps before they're finished. I try to get back into it but... that emotional connection is missing most of the time, and it's leaving me feeling empty.

Oh thank you for putting words to exactly how I've been feeling every Friday night this season. My one fellow fanperson co-worker and I used to look forward to discussing each week's ep to the point where everyone else in the unit would pretty much tell us "Shut up, geeks!" :p
Now we just give each other a mutual "meh!" and commiserating looks most Mondays.

I miss the squee-inducement. :(
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lee Presidentbop_radar on June 12th, 2008 09:44 pm (UTC)
Oh, yes! I have one RL BSG friend (my best friend) and we've taken to calling it 'Boringstar'. 'How was Boringstar this week?' and so on. Some weeks it's less boring and more frustrating, but still... it's a very very sad state of affairs.

I'm trying humour as a coping mechanism but... it's still not the same.
Fleegull: ED  Creditsfleegull on June 12th, 2008 01:16 pm (UTC)
I'm wondering if Lois's 13 episodes a season might be a DC stipulation. Of course the new guard also jettisoned Kara so it could be that they are trying to put their own mark on the show.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lois smirkbop_radar on June 13th, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
There's word that it's the producers, not DC. If so, that makes me a lot more ragey than if it was a DC stipulation.
dianora: bsg lee kara he believes herdianora2 on June 12th, 2008 02:08 pm (UTC)
I hear you, my friend. I hear you. Sigh.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Kara/Lee solacebop_radar on June 13th, 2008 01:40 am (UTC)
Thanks. Companionship is helpful!
(Deleted comment)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lee smilebop_radar on June 13th, 2008 10:08 am (UTC)
) I figured Kara and Lee were done for good, and yet then we had "Unfinished Business" in store for us and it was so lovey and wonderful
Hmmm... I don't know why but I never thought that. This is the first time I have truly felt they were 100% over and perhaps it's why I'm taking it so hard. I think it's also because I feel like I only had about 5 seconds of believing Kara really does love Lee on some level before they shut down the ship!

BSG does this with the relationships ALL THE TIME.
Ok, you got me there. It really does. but it's INFURIATING! ;D This comment does give me some hope.

most of s3 did that too, and then, kerpow there was all that stuff between "Maelstrom" and "Crossroads." (I'm not HAPPY about the pace of this season, but ... I'm not despairing either!)
Mmm, yes. I think you were more despairing at times during Season 3. ;) Somehow I weathered that (and yes, it was a far from perfect season also) but have taken this season hard. I need my zen back!

actually, it was YOUR vid "Middleman" - my #1 favorite ever! - that got me all interested in rewatching, because I found myself unable to remember the context of a number of the scenes you used in the vid :P)
OMG! *squeeee* That's so flattering. :D Especially given that I did not shirk the fatsuit in it. ;)

I'm vidding Kara right now (!!SHOCK!!) so plan to do a bit of rewatching along the way. It should be helpful I think.
Rap: Artsy Mean Kararap541 on June 12th, 2008 03:13 pm (UTC)
I knew coming into season four of bsg that frankly, it was unlikely to please me simply because I know I am a rarity in that I like a happy ending. And the producers of BSG have gotten too much critical praise for being "dark" to back away from it now.

That said, I'm sorry but the BSG of season 1 and 2? Was a hell of a lot tighter plot wise, and I didn't need to call "Shenannigans!" on it every ten effing seconds. And I am definetely getting the vibe that pushing out the *ideas* that the producers/writers want to explore is being done at the expense of the show's *characters*.

I won't say people are *wildly* out of character, but from the first episode of the season, things have been tweaked to allow certain exciting and yet essentially pointless things to happen. Kara trying to assasinate Roslin for example. Would Kara really do that? Maybe. Would Bill - who "can't live without laura" - cheerfully hand Kara a ship to play with? No...not really. Would he protect Kara from being killed as a Cylon? Yup. Let try to off the president and get a whole other bunch of people killed? No.

And in order to reduce the threat of the Cylons, a threat that was never strongly established in fact to begin with, we just start making up shit. The hub. The hub that no one ever spoke of, not even Sharon "I'm on your side" Agathon, that is every science fiction cliche. Oh, and then we focus the secret cylon story line (and retell the secret cylon storyline) on four characters that are dislikable as humans, and three of whom are played by the actors on the cast with the least ability and talent. (Look Trucco is pretty but staring vacantly is not acting sad)....

I have been disappointed and I am not afraid to be labeled as some ranty "early adopter fangirl" because I am not cooing every time Kara snarls and kissing cutie pie Sam.
Allisonfrolicndetour on June 12th, 2008 10:46 pm (UTC)
Eeep, are you talking about my last post? Because I think the article I linked was from an "early adopter" who was snarking just as much on the n00bs who get all irate about people "harshing their squee." ;) I don't think there's any right or wrong "side," more - isn't it interesting/slightly frightening how fandoms always seem to work the same way? (And as you know I was all ready to quit the show after 'Escape Velocity,' but then they gave me RLT and I had my Kara-epiphany and all was forgiven. So I'll admit being super invested in the two characters you mention is a help this season. *g* But I do hope there'll be more good stuff coming up for Gaeta soon, or what was the point?)

I do have a more positive spin on some of the stuff you mentioned. IMO, Kara didn't try to kill Roslin - she handed her the gun right away and I think she always had every intention of doing that. Actually, Roslin tried to kill her. ;) And I think if she had shot Roslin or even tried to, things would have gone very differently with Bill. I think he gave her the ship because he was convinced she would die otherwise and he couldn't bear to lose her again, as he said - it was an emotional decision. Which, I gotta say, I find in character. ;)

As for Sharon - yeah, the writers totally pulled the Hub out of thin air, but I can buy that she wouldn't give that up. Since Cylons can't resurrect it's tantamount to genocide, and she was willing to do that when she was ordered to but I can see why she wouldn't suggest it, you know? Though, a line or two to that effect would have been nice! I know this is fanwanking, I just don't see it as all that out there.

The acting stuff is so subjective; I actually think Aaron Douglas is one of the better actors at least outside the top 5, and Trucco and Sharma are fine, to me. But, I've met people who don't think Mary McDonnell is any good, so...

But, you know, back in the old days if I'd been in Buffy fandom I'd probably have shunned anyone who didn't think season seven sucked, so, I'm not on a high-horse here! I think I'm the type who's willing to fanwank if I'm mostly enjoying the show, and I can completely understand why others aren't.

Edited at 2008-06-12 10:49 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - rap541 on June 12th, 2008 11:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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Talitha: phantomwise kansas clarktalitha78 on June 12th, 2008 03:52 pm (UTC)
The other zen-inspiring solution I've come up with is: VID. When in doubt, vid. Vidding creates an emotional distance even when there's not one and usually allows me to reconnect with the source in a different way.

This is exactly how I cope with Smallville's crackheadedness. It works beautifully.

Overall this is a positive realisation because vidding is something I can take with me beyond my current fandoms.

Yes! Vidding is very portable. Still, I am a bit worried about where my passion will go after SV is over. It's been my vidding inspiration for so long now that I'm afraid I'll be adrift without it. Not that I think I will stop vidding SV the moment season 8 ends, as I have a couple of massive overview vids planned, but nevertheless, it will be the end of an era. I think I will probably float from fandom to fandom, making one-off vids, until I find something that consumes me again.

So I experienced some probably-misplaced anxiety about possibly losing some of the social aspect of fandom if I retreat into my vidder's shell. I think there's a fairly easy solution there though, and that's to keep posting and commenting regularly.

Oh, but couldn't you meta about vidding? :)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Clexvillebop_radar on June 12th, 2008 09:49 pm (UTC)
This is exactly how I cope with Smallville's crackheadedness. It works beautifully.
Heh heh heh. :) Yes! You are a model I can follow... I think BSG is reaching the same level for me, so I think I should just vid it instead. :D

nevertheless, it will be the end of an era. I think I will probably float from fandom to fandom, making one-off vids, until I find something that consumes me again.
That's exactly what I think too. I worry about that for me as well, though like you I don't think I'll give up vidding it just because it's over. Still... that all-consuming aspect of a Main Fandom will be gone and I do hope something will come to take its place one day. Logic says it will but my heart says 'no! there is nothing like Smallville! nothing!'
(no subject) - talitha78 on June 13th, 2008 12:59 am (UTC) (Expand)
Kate: 30 Rock: Jack and Liz - touchmskatej on June 12th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

What about finding some new shows? I wonder if you would like Mad Men. I know I'd love to read your meta on it! :D
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Dead Like Mebop_radar on June 12th, 2008 09:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I've been trying really hard to find some... I watched season 1 of Mad Men and I'm not sure it's the right show for me. It's very well made and many things interested me but I found the lead guy completely conceptually repulsive (he reminds me way too much of my dad) and I think that's a problem because his charisma carries so much of the show. In any case it squicked me out a lot.

Perhaps if I was watching in real time I might have been inclined to meta it...? When does season 2 start. I'll tune in for that, but I don't know. It didn't ping with me like a show that I would love--just as a show I thought was decent.

I guess there will be season 3 of Dexter and FNL at some point, but I'm not fannish about them to the same degree.

But hey, if you (or anyone) want to pimp me any shows, nows the time! :)
(no subject) - mskatej on June 12th, 2008 10:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bop_radar on June 12th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - bop_radar on June 13th, 2008 01:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
daybreak777: sunrisedaybreak777 on June 12th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
Gosh, Boppy! We must be on the same wavelength because I drafted similar posts too but I'm holding forth on posting until the BSG season finale. Sometimes you just have to sort things out with your favorite shows. Seems like what you are doing.

Where my ship (Kara/Lee) is concerned, I feel completely crushed.
Aww! I actually feel pretty good about them. They haven't hurt each other this season. Yet. Also it's mainly too because I've been watching fan vids of them from season 1 and 2. Don't mind me. Watching fan vids has been so helpful in me maintaining pilots squee this season.

When in doubt, vid.
You are so cute! I like this solution! Go for it. :-) I love your vids so it's win/win here. And like writing fic, you can meld a vid to your own vision. You also happen to be a vidder that actually embeds meta into the vid. There can be much discussion on that. And look at me. I write about vids all the time and I'm not even a vidder. (Thanks for linking to my post, btw.) No, it's not as intereractive as meta posts. Neither is writing fic. But vidding can be something for you. And remember, I began watching Smallville because a single, lovely SV vid. And then I started shipping Clark and Lana. I was so innocent. Look at that ship. What the heck was I thinking? Oh, Smallville.

I gotta run, but after BSG I will also think about my feelings on my favorite shows. It's like spring cleaning. I rarely discard anything, but just have to clear out the cobwebs sometimes. :-)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lee Presidentbop_radar on June 13th, 2008 10:21 am (UTC)
We are having some weird brain snych thing going on, *nods*.

Also it's mainly too because I've been watching fan vids of them from season 1 and 2. Don't mind me. Watching fan vids has been so helpful in me maintaining pilots squee this season.
I should have done that. SERIOUSLY. I shouldn't have depended on the show to give me them. :(

It's like spring cleaning. I rarely discard anything, but just have to clear out the cobwebs sometimes. :-)
That's an excellent description of what I'm doing. I do think vidding--and maybe vid-watching and meta about vidding--is my way forward. Already, I'm getting into this Kara vidding thing (feels weird!) and finding some zen again. Just hope the midseason cliffhanger doesn't spin me out again!
meretrixlaisserais on June 12th, 2008 07:19 pm (UTC)
it's interesting to hear your thoughts on your fannish engagement - both on specific canons and your place within them - because i feel like i'm going through something similar.

it sounds to me like once the canons close, you anticipate moving on to something new, is that right? or at least adding a new, open-canon show? perhaps i'm assuming, but it seems to be one of the implicit things in this post. do you think that's because you're used to having a 'live' show as the platform for your fannish production?

i came into fandom via angel/buffy, after the shows had ended, so my initial experience of fandom was inevitably colored by the fact that they were closed canon shows. it really turned out to make a difference, once i started getting active in open canon shows. i've only recently gotten into smallville, and literally last week, i started getting into BSG. one of the things i distinctly wondered, as i buckled in for a marathon run through all 3 1/2 seasons of BSG to date was: i wonder if there are any bsg meta writers on my flist. i'm dying to pick the canon apart, talk about the Big Things that the show brings up.

anyway, i'm going to sort through your meta, if you don't mind, and i bet you have a lot of interesting things to say.

and your position and approach to what you feel you're going to do in fandom, and how that's changing, is really interesting as well. it sounds like it's sort of a mixed bag? on the one hand, vidding sounds like it's gratifying for you, and perhaps, what with the canons closing, there are fewer opportunities for meta? but on the other, i'm sensing a little bit of sadness there, too. do you think there are other reasons, aside from the closing of canon, for your increased interest in vidding?
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Audrey Tautoubop_radar on June 13th, 2008 10:29 am (UTC)
it sounds to me like once the canons close, you anticipate moving on to something new, is that right? or at least adding a new, open-canon show?
Yes, you're right. I do think it's because I'm used to it as my main fannish platform. As you describe, there's a real difference between being in a closed canon fandom and being in an open one, and I've never really been in a closed one... I've caught up with shows after they've happened but never really investigated the fandoms for them. So it's unexplored territory for me. I guess it's a matter of familiarity: I know how to 'do' live, open canon fandom. I don't know what it's like when an open canon closes. Yet.

It's actually exciting to hear from someone who has just caught up with the show, so thank you. It's a timely reminder that it's ok to come 'late' to things and that I too may find my way to other fandoms.

perhaps, what with the canons closing, there are fewer opportunities for meta? but on the other, i'm sensing a little bit of sadness there, too. do you think there are other reasons, aside from the closing of canon, for your increased interest in vidding?
Oh, that's very intuitive of you. Yes, there is sadness as well. And yes, I do think there are other reasons. I've had some really wonderful experiences with meta-ing for shows as they air and made some amazing friends through that. I guess I am missing that, and it's changing the nature of my friendships as well because there's not that immediate centred place where we can connect. There's not the shared buzz and excitement any more. I'm feeling fannishly lonely, is the truth, and missing the cameraderie with others who are enjoying the show the way I used to.
svgurl: lois/erica dark hairsvgurl on June 12th, 2008 08:17 pm (UTC)
I'm so sad that Erica is limited to 13 episodes. I'm thinking it may have to do with DC Comics and their restrictions but it still sucks. :(

But thanks for the pimpage for Lois Love Week! :D I appreciate it. It's going great so far! :D
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Ericabop_radar on June 13th, 2008 01:39 am (UTC)
There's word that it's the producers, not DC. DC I can kind of understand, but I'm upset that given the opportunity to have Erica for longer the producers are actively avoiding this.

Congrats on Lois Love Week--it looks like a big success! And well done: I know how tiring those things can be. As I say, I hope to come play on the weekend, which is in, er, 5 or 6 hours my time. :D
(no subject) - svgurl on June 13th, 2008 02:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bop_radar on June 13th, 2008 10:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
Nora Norwichnorwich36 on June 12th, 2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
Hey, can I read this without getting spoiled for BSG? I'm behind--haven't seen the last 2 episodes, but I would like to read about your fannish transitions.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Bop_radar TWbop_radar on June 12th, 2008 09:40 pm (UTC)
There's a pretty major spoiler for one of them, unfortunately. The second most recent, not the most recent. I could precis? (Thanks!)
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Allison: K/L hugfrolicndetour on June 12th, 2008 10:59 pm (UTC)
I actually agree with both of your complaints about this season - they could have thrown in a quick scene between Kara and Lee when she could back to maintain continuity. I'd have liked one between Kara and Adama too. :) And with Lee - some real missed opportunities there.

But I really empathize with missing fandom, even though it's preemptive in my case. What will I write about?? Woe!

But hey, you can still be in fandom even if you hate the show. ;)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Kara/Lee boxing hugbop_radar on June 12th, 2008 11:05 pm (UTC)
Yeah, CONTINUITY! That's all I ask. I'm not even principally a Kara fan but I think she's been jerked around appallingly by the writers this season. As you point out there was no followthrough on her relationships with Adama (!!) or Lee on her return to the fleet, despite her having big scenes with both of them early on. And I feel like they just shoved her back into CAG mode because they needed to focus on other plots suddenly.

What will I write about?? Woe!
Hee. Yes. It's scary isn't it? It's preemptive in my case too, really.

hey, you can still be in fandom even if you hate the show. ;)
Hahaha, yeah, I know. But personally I've always not-so-secretly hated that behaviour (not the people necessarily, but the behaviour). :D My attitude has been: 'if you've got nothing positive to say, say nothing'. Bitching doesn't do a lot for me. I'm halfhearted at best, and not nearly funny enough to pull it off with flair. ;) I want to care again!
(Deleted comment)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lee not drunkbop_radar on June 17th, 2008 08:59 am (UTC)
All of a sudden, the bottom fell through and my interest leaked out. This has rather gotten in the way (cough) of my wanting to act fannish and even post on LJ.
Ohh, yes! That's exactly it! I'm glad someone else can connect with what I'm describing, because I feel kind of alone in it. It's not really happened to me before and there's always that little voice saying 'is this just me? am I just being a miseryguts about everything?' But it really does lower one's desire to engage fannishly and that's sad to me because I enjoy the communal and friendship aspects of fandom. But you can't fake it, you know?

I've given it a great deal of thought and I think it's the material that is changing.
*nods* I really have given it a lot of thought too and I agree. I know there are people out there who are still engaged by Smallville and BSG and I am happy for them, but for me the shifts in writing--especially in BSG--have thrown me out emotionally.

I've still interested in BSG intellectually. But emotionally I couldn't care less anymore. With the possible exception of Tigh, I feel that I'm looking at cardboard cutouts or at best mythological figure not flesh and blood people.
Yeah... isn't that terrible! Of all the shows to wind up like that! It was always its characters that were so strong. But like you I'm still intellectually engaged--I still find myself thinking about the concepts and the show's direction a lot (often with a fair degree of frustration, but nonetheless...) but I used to agonise over Lee's crises and feel emotionally connected to his journey. Now he fades from my mind as soon as the ep is over. And while that was always kind of masochistic... I still miss it. ;)

Ah well. It helps to admit what's going on. But I do hope I can find some new shows or books or SOMEthing at some stage that feels more 'real' to me again...