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23 May 2010 @ 12:27 pm
I got off the internet (and got a life)  
Wow. This feels so weird. Posting. I haven't done so for so long.

Basically, this is a long-overdue apology/disclaimer. I more or less vanished from LiveJournal for the last four-five months. I should have probably been upfront about that but at the time I wasn't really aware it was happening or how long it would last. The short story is that from being a place of enjoyable escapism originally, LiveJournal became a Very Unhappy Place for me (for reasons not worth going into). And while I do miss my friends here, I'm sorry, but there's not really a lot of point in LJ when it makes you miserable. (I hope you'll agree!) I guess you could call it an extremely localised depression.

In fact, 95 per cent of my depressive symptoms in the last months have centred on online life, weird though that may seem. While it's meant I vanished from here, probably disappointing and pissing off a bunch of people in the process (sorry!), it's actually had an overwhelmingly positive effect in the rest of my life, since work, home life, health, friends, etc have been depression-free zones!

1. I lost 10 per cent of my body weight.
2. I moved up a level in Bollywood dance.
3. I started ice skating classes and passed the first Adult level.
4. I do five dance classes a week.
5. I learnt to jog for over 20 minutes at a time. (A life first since I've never been a runner!)
6. My house got tidier and I worked out systems that work for me with cleaning (which has always been a big problem for me with my depression).
7. My income has continued to increase as freelancing has proved definitely a better option for me than staying inhouse.
8. I found the cutest boots in the whole entire universe.

Ok, the last one may have happened anyway... but I choose to believe it's a reward for chasing what makes me happy and not staying in a miserable situation longer than I should.

What does it mean going forward? I have no idea. I may still not be around for some time to come. I'd say expecting nothing from me would be a good idea. If I do come back, I probably will not be posting the way I used to. Smallville effing broke me. I somehow managed to endure years of watching the show go down the gurgler, even weathered 'Requiem' and the Lex-monkey-bomb scenario last season. I was dealing (grumpily) with the erratic writing of Clark/Lois, which showed flickers of what I'd always loved about them if I squinted but quite frequently was 'off' because either Clark or Lois felt out of character. I was getting more and more pissed about the neglect of Clark in season 9, but the thing that finally broke me? Chlollie. Yup, not proud, but as soon as that became canon I stopped watching. Oliver was the one character remaining for me whose arc I was enjoying, and they had to slap him together with the character I like least. Sorry, Chloe fans, but I couldn't stomach it. And naively I was COMPLETELY blindsided by it (I'd always thought Chlollie shippers were delusional!) So I've not watched the latter half of season 9 and I do not want to talk about it. Please do NOT try and persuade me back. It will really piss me off. I will watch it when I'm ready (probably in one sitting with a great deal of alcohol).

Other fandoms? I'll never be 'over' BSG. I watch Doctor Who but the fandom shits me. I watched Legend of the Seeker but preferred the first season and basically hate everyone on Team Good. (Yes, my capacity for unpopular fannish opinions continues, just in silence this time!) I GREATLY enjoyed The Vampire Diaries, though I expected it to disappoint me at some point (it didn't). On the other hand, the end of Skins Season 4 was one of the worst 'jump the shark' moments of any show ever *still blinking in horror at that one*. And otherwise I've been watching delightful Korean dramas and Bollywood movies and happily living in their bubble, disinclined to post about any of this.

I'm still vidding, because vidding (the process not the fandom) is joyful. I may not show you the results though, I really don't know. I'm not very audience-oriented right now and haven't been bothered to update my BAM links though I did see that BAM went pfft.

One thing I feel I should do though is say that since I'm unlikely to be around, ANYONE is welcome to pick up the idea of 'vid chats' if they want to and run with them. This should hopefully be clear anyway--they were always free to be borrowed/adapted/done with as you will... but just in case anyone's hung back thinking I might be annoyed to be 'copied': no, man, I'd be delighted! I just probably won't be there. :) Apologies for dropping the ball--but please don't wait for or feel limited by my absence.

This may all seem very selfish. I'm sure it is. I have guilt and shame about it. I encourage you to defriend me. Really. No hurt feelings! Shoo! :) And I hope you are all as happy in your real lives, and by some lucky star in fandom too, as I am.

(Disabling comments because I'm not very interact-y these days. I assume anyone who really wants to talk to me will email or PM me, which you're still welcome to do.)
 
 
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