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20 February 2012 @ 02:27 pm
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I haven't updated my journal in so long, largely because the latter half of 2011 saw me falling victim to a horrible bout of workaholicism. It was initially 'necessary' to deal with some financial problems, but it wasn't easy to turn around the tidal wave of work once it was started. Freelance life has its traps as well as its perks. I also had some absolutely *horrible* projects to work on so life was a bit of nightmare for a while. There wasn't any time for any sort of social/relaxation life, let alone fannish life. I'm starting to recover from that now.

Despite that, there have been a couple of very significant personal changes in my life. The first is that after ten + years, I'm coming off anti-depressants. There is obviously a lot more to say about this (and I have occasionally wanted to post about it), but overall I'm very pleased with how things have gone so far, especially considering the work stress I was under simultaneously. It's by no means over yet (Effexor is such a bitch of a drug withdrawal-wise, even titrating down gradually), but I've halved my dosage (just!) over the last three-four months.

Related to this, I've started meditation and qigong practice regularly. This is absolutely changing my life, and is a huge part of what makes me feel 'safe' enough to take this big step re. the meds. For a long long time, I thought I would be a lifer on drugs. I should make it clear: the reasons I didn't want there were because of the side-effects. If I can't or couldn't recover without drugs then I wouldn't be contemplating this, but basically qigong/meditation is giving me tools that I can use with which to handle the physical/emotional/spiritual aspects of depression. There are days when I still fear it won't be possible to be drug-free, but overall I feel more optimistic than ever before.

There's a hell of a lot of emotional processing to do with all this though! I am grateful for having amazing friends and support around me.

Vividcon... I rolled over my membership, so I can, in theory, attend this year (I'm registered) but financially it's going to be a streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch. I'm not ruling anything out yet though. It's cool to see everyone getting hyped for it anyway. :) And since I got over my Club Vivid anxiety last year (memo to self: always to just do it anyway, YOU ALWAYS FORGET, DUMBFACE!), I have signed up again for this year and am having a blast with my idea. I'm not completely convinced I'll actually have a vid by the due date but the journey is fun so far. :)

This is the very very short version!
Vampire Diaries: bored now
Community ditto
The Good Wife: still love it, absolutely adore the acting and some of the writing, but think it's been patchy in terms of structure and overall plot this season
Nikita: really enjoyed the first half of the season and the Nikita and Alex character work, but Percy bores me
Dexter: Still watching (crankily, as I think the writing is horrible and I hate Dexter) due to my EPIC AND EVERLASTING affection for Deb. I'll be watching til the last hideously frustrating moment... Jennnifer Carpenter is just so mesmerising.
Downton Abbey: Loved the first season, adore Mary, but thought the second season was crap - really really hated the melodrama. The tight, intimate character work of season 1 was completely undermined.
Once Upon The Time: I got sucked into watching this thanks to [profile] m_a_r_i_k_s flipping out about 1.7 (see her vid: Tell Me What the Rain Knows) and now I can't get back out! I foolishly told her I liked Emma best and it became a running joke that I love her and somehow this had the effect of making me fall hopelessly for Emma, and now I am stuck watching this shitty show every week. :((( I hate Rumpel and Regina and all the rest, Mary Margaret and Charming drive me mad, and I really only like Emma, Henry (and Graham), and yet ... (here's hoping I can break the hold at some point as I really don't think the signs are there that the writing will pick up, though I wish it would)

I think that's all... oh, I mainlined Veronica Mars at some stage, fell for Logan (predictably) and found Veronica a very fun character to love-hate.

In my attempt to dredge up something of interest fannishly for people, I shall relate this little story...

So I am on Skype with [profile] m_a_r_i_k_s one day and suddenly I hear this strange scrabbling, flapping noise in the background. I jump up to see what it is, as does my slow-on-the-uptake pup. Pup and I stare in disbelief as we realise a pigeon is trapped in the kitchen, battering itself against the window. Pup immediately goes into a frenzy of barking, as I return to Skype to explain this bizarre turn of events.

Bop: OMG!! There is a PIGEON in my kitchen!!!
m_a_r_i_k_s: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA PIGEON AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAHA!!!! PIGEON!!!!
Bop: *dawning realisation* SHUT UP, IT'S NOT FUNNY!

The next ten minutes or so are spent with me chasing a pigeon round the kitchen flapping a teatowel frantically, as m_a_r_i_k_s sits back and enjoys this free entertainment. I finally get the thing to scoot out the door, I retrieve the dog from the laundry, where I had banished him, and I flop back down on the sofa to resume our conversation.

Just as my heartbeat is returning to normal and I am managing to join in at least *some* of the BSG joking, I hear a noise that makes me think I'm in some kind of Groundhog Day scenario: Yup, PIGEON MARK #2. TWO PIGEONS!!

Bop: Wait .... ::horrified face:: ... I think there is ANOTHER ONE!
m_a_r_i_k_s: ::completely loses it::
Bop: ...
m_a_r_i_k_s: ::pulls herself together enough to offer some backseat-pigeon-wrangling:: I really think you should get a broom this time!

Apparently the first pigeon was not sufficiently reminiscent of BSG: Pigeon #2 was trapped in my bathroom, which has a skylight and a very high ceiling, and so the scuffling around did indeed bear uncanny resemblance to a certain much-hated scene. There was also a lot more swearing the second time. And once I finally got it out, the damn bird just flopped tiredly on the back decking and I had to go outside and flap some more at it.

Bop: OMG, JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY!!!!!!
m_a_r_i_k_s: ::still lol-ing::

The weirdest thing is that both pigeons must have been in the house for some time because I hadn't opened any doors or windows for hours. Somehow they got in and stayed quiet until those *particular* moments. Who knew pigeons had such finely tuned timing?

I should add that ever since this incident my dog will regularly trot into the bathroom optimistically looking for pigeons. His little dog mind now thinks: PIGEONS--CAN EMANATE AT ANY TIME FROM BATHROOM! I've tried explaining to him that they're just bad metaphors, but he isn't having any of it. ;)

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/241151.html. comment count unavailable comments Comment here or there, as you will.
 
 
Current Location: sofa of comfiness
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
 
rhoboatrhoboat on February 20th, 2012 04:55 am (UTC)
*hugs*

Would love to meet you in person at Vividcon, but I can understand if you're not able to go.

I confess I have a bit of a bird phobia. That scene in BSG freaked me out, and I can't really read through your whole experience. I once ran and locked myself in the bathroom and screamed/sobbed until someone else got rid of the bird I encountered in the exhaust pipe above the stove. *shudders*
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: bsg kara eeek!bop_radar on February 20th, 2012 05:45 am (UTC)
Eeek, yes, I can understand such a phobia. I'm not fond of them in close proximity to me--I prefer a respectful distance, and I find pigeons particularly distasteful. :/ sorry for the eeky story!

It would be so cool to meet you finally! I saw you were going to be rooming with talitha78 for Escapade! That's so fun! She's so fab! Hope you guys have a great time!
anarchicq: Parintachin -Poison Elvesanarchicq on February 20th, 2012 05:16 am (UTC)
Wow, you're the first person I've heard say they don't like Rumple!
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Sally Sparrow coffeebop_radar on February 20th, 2012 05:46 am (UTC)
Yeah, as always I don't follow the fannish centrepath. ;) I can't stand him--he's like nails on a chalkboard to me.
par avionpar_avion on February 20th, 2012 05:35 am (UTC)
The pigeon story made me laugh.

PIGEONS--CAN EMANATE AT ANY TIME FROM BATHROOM!

Aww, poor puppy. Hope springs eternal!
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Kara/Lee lolbop_radar on February 20th, 2012 05:47 am (UTC)
:) Yeah, he was particularly excited the next day. He was checking there hourly. I still find it funny that TWO birds managed to get into our house without him noticing. Some guard dog!
Nora Norwichnorwich36 on February 20th, 2012 06:03 am (UTC)
Why am I not at all surprised that you like the heroic characters on OUaT, I like the villains (I'm not actually rooting for Regina or Rumple but they FASCINATE me, especially after the recent Beauty and the Beast episode), and both of us are completely bored by the central romance? :-)

Nice to hear from you!
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: FNL Tyra lolzbop_radar on February 20th, 2012 06:40 am (UTC)
Hee, that's so funny! Yeah, I was crawling the walls in that Beauty and the Beast episode: NEEDS MOAR EMMA!!! :p
But yeah, the central romance is such a yawn, isn't it?? Charmless really should have stayed in a coma! I liked the gender reverse on the fairytale initially but once he woke up it was all downhill. ;)

So what's your take on Regina and Rumple? Do you want them to team together? Or you want them to tear each other down, or what? I guess liking both means you'll be happy with many outcomes...!?

Yeah, good to be actually communicating! I have late-onset lurkerness. ;p
Nora Norwichnorwich36 on February 20th, 2012 03:18 pm (UTC)
Yeah, Charmless in a coma was much better. Though I am a little curious as to how they expect the audience to get on board to what is basically an adulterous affair.

Up until Regina killed the Sheriff, I have to confess I was kind of rooting for Emma/Regina (what can I say, you know how I am about enemy slash, and then Henry would have two moms). Now I'm just kind of fascinated at how she plays people, and curious as to why she has such a grudge against Snow.

I've only really been interested in Rumplestiltskin the past couple episodes; I was a little impressed by the multi-levelled game he was playing during Emma's election, and I have to confess I was totally charmed by the whole beauty & the beast storyline, largely due to Belle, but I am a sucker for potential redemption storylines. And I'm also very curious to see who would win in a head-to-head match between Regina and Gold; they're both pretty ruthless and I'm curious about their end games.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Deborah Morganbop_radar on February 20th, 2012 10:01 pm (UTC)
Mmm, that makes sense!! Yeah, I can see you shipping Emma/Regina! I've seen a vid or two for that pairing.. you're definitely not alone!

I actively fear Gold, whereas I just despite Regina, so that makes for good variety in terms of villains for me, I guess. ;) And despite disliking him, I do think there's a lot of narrative power in the mystery of what Gold's end game is. I'm sure there's mystery in Regina's too if I could see past the OMG I WANT YOU TO DIE!! rage that overcomes me every time she's on screen! ;) ;) ;)
Nora Norwichnorwich36 on February 21st, 2012 06:49 am (UTC)
Well, I definitely have moments where I feel very stabbity toward Regina, but on the other hand I am often in awe at what an amazing manipulator she is. Even though I know she is basically evil I find myself being sympathetic to her at times (and I'm sure the fact that she is very hot--at least in her modern haircut (apparently fairy tale people have the WORST HAIR OF ALL TIME, because I don't think there's anyone whose hair I don't hate in fairyland) doesn't hurt.)

To totally change the subject--do you have any more detailed thoughts on The Good Wife? I don't know how far you are this season, so I don't want to accidentally spoil you, but I have been really interested in some of the long-term plotlines this season.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Kalindabop_radar on February 21st, 2012 08:01 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'm all up to date! And I have lots of thoughts!

I have *really* loved Will's plot this season, and I found the last episode very moving. I'm thrilled they wrote him making this decision to take a break from the law. I have also loved Diane through this whole mess. Even when I disagree with her (which is quite often, as she and Will are such workaholics!), I have found her scenes fantastic. I feel like it's her season in a way!

I have very tempestuous feelings about Alicia, on the other hand. I get very frustrated with her. It's sometimes hard for me to understand how she still acts so terribly naive. Her guilt complex is so massive, and her denial around Will... it frustrates me so much. I could have slapped her when she backed out of telling the kids and instead made up that 'holiday' story. So annoying!

I wish there was more Kalinda material this season, but I'm very excited to see her and Alicia working together soon, with Alicia as her lawyer. That development has heaps of potential! I love K + Will scenes too though, so I'll definitely miss those if Will is around less soon...

So fed up of Eli! His plot doesn't connect with anything. I feel it's been mishandled. I like him best when there's some real substance behind the farce, when he has/had the power to affect Alicia's life, but right now he just seems to be comic relief.

What about you? What are you enjoying?
Nora Norwichnorwich36 on February 21st, 2012 06:27 pm (UTC)
I also really love the Will stuff, and I'm very curious what he's going to be up to in his 6 months away. (Is this an excuse to get him and Alicia back together, I wonder?) And wow, Diane. I think she's now my second-favorite character on the show, after Kalinda. I loved how she completely lied about the pro bono stuff just so Will wouldn't get disbarred. Basically I love it any time they let her play power politics.

I'm not completely hating Eli's storyline, mostly because I like Parker Posey, but I agree that they're wasting him by using him for comic relief. I'm sure his ex-wife's election will eventually bring up more serious stuff, though. And I'm tentatively optimistic that working on Kalinda's court case (whatever THAT is--interesting we haven't heard of it before now) will bring Alicia and Kalinda back together, which will make me SO happy.

I'm kind of curious as to what's going on with Carey, and whether his office purge (and whatever he's doing with Dana) is of his own accord or if he's really acting on Peter's behalf. And since I know I'm never going to get a Carey/Dana/Kalinda threesome, I'm sort of glad that office politics is breaking up Carey and Dana, because that reintroduces the possibility of Carey/Kalinda. (And since I'm sure the show is never going to make Alicia/Kalinda textual, I think Carey/Kalinda is my next most desired pairing).
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Kalindabop_radar on February 23rd, 2012 12:10 pm (UTC)
yeah, I love Diane--especially when she and Will work together. It was beautiful to see what she was willing to do for him. And how she would have had his back til the end if he'd fought it.

I really hope Cary has ditched Dana for good (did not like her at all) and like you, I'd like to see some Cary/Kalinda development. They've foreshadowed it long enough, I'm hoping it has to go *some* where!

Definitely very invested in seeing Alicia/Kalinda resolution though. Fingers crossed!
eriatarkayamakasi on February 20th, 2012 08:14 am (UTC)
funnily enough, i am now obsessed with community and TVD! seems i joined the bandwagon late :P

also coincidentally, my mother has just come off her bipolar meds after 25+ years on them. i can sort of relate to how you are feeling (although obviously it is not me experiencing this directly, but as someone quite close to it).
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on February 20th, 2012 08:46 am (UTC)
Oh that's cool! I thoroughly enjoyed both shows for ages.

Wow, that's HUGE for your mum! Congratulations to her! It's a big step. And it's really hard because I have to monitor my emotional state but there's a fine line between 'normal' level ups and downs and depression/anxiety-related ups and downs. And the hard thing of what to do when something seems like a relapse. :( I hope it wasn't too rough a journey for your mum.
eriatarkayamakasi on February 20th, 2012 08:59 am (UTC)
:] she was having other health issues due to the side-effects of the lithium she was on so it was finally decided to wean her off them completely. it really is a big step, i know i'd find it hard to stop taking drugs twice a day when i've been doing it for over two decades!

yeah, we (my family) are all keeping an eye on her and she knows to tell one of us if something feels off or wrong or she has any concerns with how she is feeling. it is very scary to do this (as i'm sure you know!) but hopefully the pay-off is worth it. surprisingly there have been minimal withdrawal symptoms.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on February 20th, 2012 09:15 am (UTC)
Yeah, support around you is critical, I think. And feeling like it's the right time. Certainly if there are other health problems associated with the meds, it's a powerful motivator. It's really good she hasn't had too much withdrawal. That's the hardest part for me sometimes--working out what is withdrawal-related, what's just 'me' and what is possibly a danger sign of some regression into depression symptoms. But how scary it must be to come off after 25 years! I feel sometimes like I'm not sure who I am without them and of course my memory of being without them is of Bad Things. So doing this is kind of like trying to build new memories, a new understanding of who I am. I imagine it's similar for your mother?
eriatarkayamakasi on February 20th, 2012 09:31 am (UTC)
i am not sure, i think in a way it's a relief to be off them and without any bipolar symptoms (yet). she had always thought that she would be on them for life, and they have caused multiple health issues that required her to take all these other drugs, so even though she is off the lithium she is still taking other things. i guess that helps ease the transition a little.

i think her memory without the meds is okay since she only started to have symptoms when she was in her late 20s. so although she has been on the meds for half her life there is still a lot of time she can remember when she wasn't on them, y'know? to be honest i haven't asked her about this. it is a really good question. thank you -- i think i will bring it up with her at some point. :]

hope it all goes well for you! that the weirdness of coming off the meds goes away soon and that you find it easier to work out a baseline for yourself vs. withdrawal/danger signs. ♥
amnisiasamnisias on February 20th, 2012 10:58 am (UTC)
Wow, what an achievement to decrease medication at a time of so much stress and work pressure! Hope you're proud of yourself, even if it goes slowly. I totally agree with you that yoga, meditation or mindfulness practice are a very powerful way to manage milder symptoms of depression and anxiety, or to support medication, or just to keep yourself centered and slow down the pace of life for a moment and reflect.

I was wondering what you're going to do about VVC. I think I need to decide fairly soon, because the flights just get more and more expensive. And frack, they already are quite steep. Honestly, what's more offputting to me is actually the flight and the jet lag. Going to the US for 5 days is just a big drag. Anyways, at the moment I'm leaning to going, because I would like to (re)connect to some people. I really enjoy LJ so much more if I actually KNOW the people I'm reading about.

I'm still enjoying TVD, I like the OTTness of it all, and the ridiculous plots and the fluff and the drama. Caroline has really grown on me, she's a spunky little minx now. Also I have further proof that I only like my vampires when they're bad, because I start to find Stefan more intriguing than Damon.But I'm not going to write any meta about the show ever, and can totally see why you might have lost interest. At least we got a TVD vid out of you before it happened :).
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: TVD Annabop_radar on February 20th, 2012 10:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you, thank you!! I am definitely trying to remain very happy/proud about the (slow) progress. It's a challenge as I am an impatient little thing! ;)

Yeah, I seriously can't stress enough how useful mindfulness or yoga or anything like that is in handling stress and emotional fluctuations. I've always found yoga useful but realise now that sometimes in the past it just wasn't enough for me personally--it took the edge of but I needed to go deeper. So I think also persisting with trying to find what's right for you is so useful. I do need exercise regularly too or I just get too caught up in my head. I constantly forget this though! ;)

Yeah, flights are hideously expensive... it's a real long shot for me, I think, Basically I'd have to have some sort of big windfall for it to happen. And since I'm directly responsible for how much I earn, it may come down to how much I want to kill myself working to get there (which right now is: NOT A LOT!). I'd love it to happen for the reason you say though--it makes connecting online so much more meaningful.

Caroline is great! I really do still enjoy her very much. :) But yeah, I think when the Damon/Stefan dynamic shifted in season 3, I just kind of had fatigue about it... it's been hard to emotionally connect to the show even though the plotting remains tight. It was fun while it lasted though!
Clari Clyde: Icon: Daisyclari_clyde on February 20th, 2012 09:19 pm (UTC)
Yay, reduced meds. {hugs}

I thought about taking a qigong class but so far I’ve felt my insomnia hasn’t been bad enough for me to seriously give it a go. That said, maybe I should at least look into meditation. Did you take classes for these or just study them on your own?

Veronica Mars: Ditto you on loving and hating her at the same time. It sometimes boggles me how someone so moral could be so unethical, how someone so rooted in justice still have such a jaded view of people.

Nikita: Hopefully, now that Percy is out of containment, he’ll be more interesting. Are you completely caught up? Though, I will say, I am completely loving the women of this show.

Pigeons: O_O I will never complain about crows on my roof again. I’ve been noticing that birds seem less scared of humans than I remember them being when I was a child and this just proves it. Keep an eye on your window or train your dog to; it might be a more productive use of his energy than looking for the in your bathroom. Sorry to LOL but it is funny. ;-)

Lastly, I hope you can make it to VVC. I’ll be rooting for you to. {hugs}
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on February 21st, 2012 02:02 am (UTC)
Yeah, I took classes. There's a group here runs weekend workshops and I started with one of those. For me it was the best way to learn--I always fall into the trap of reading things but not actually DOing them and that allowed me to experience some benefits from it, which motivated me to continue on my own. I just went to a second weekend workshop and there are now some classes nearer me that I go to.

It sometimes boggles me how someone so moral could be so unethical, how someone so rooted in justice still have such a jaded view of people.
Yeah, it was fascinating! And felt very real. I was glad the writers felt comfortable making her so ambiguous and letting the viewer wrestle with some of these contradictions in her.

I've not seen the last two eps of Nikita--have them downloaded now--can't wait!

Yeah, seriously, those pigeons were very calm! I actually like a lot of the birds in the neighbourhood but pigeons always seem smelly and nasty to me! I love the rainbow lorrikeets though--there are so many of them in our street this summer as the eucalypts are flowering and though they are very noisy, it's a joy to watch them!

Good to hear from you! Hope you're keeping well!
darluludarlulu on February 21st, 2012 02:26 am (UTC)
Hi there! I went off Effexor years ago and I remember it being an excruciating process, so *big hugs*

I've been trying to use meditation and breathing exercises to manage my anxiety recently, so I'm thinking I might have to look into this whole qigong business.


K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: TW smilebop_radar on February 21st, 2012 03:39 am (UTC)
Oh, god, you've been through it too? Yeah, it's horrible! I get really impatient but if I try to rush it, I get totally crippled physically, and even slowly it's like being mildly sick constantly for months, with some days worse than others. Thanks for the sympathy!

I can't recommend qigong highly enough--it's amaaaazing! Finding a good teacher or school is important, of course, and that's helped a lot for me, as I'm really new to meditation. But it just really helps me settle into my body and not be so much in my head (very good for anxiety!). It's very calming. There are many different schools and kinds of qigong, but what I appreciate about mine is they're very practical about encouraging you to find which exercises work best for you and integrating little practices into daily life as much as possible (such as reminding yourself to breathe deeply from your belly while driving, or taking a moment to centre yourself after getting off the phone, etc).

Have you found meditation helping you so far? My biggest challenge (which I think is common for beginners?) is not to get despondent when my mind is buzzing and I can't calm it down--just to watch the thoughts and not get attached to them.
darluludarlulu on February 21st, 2012 10:16 am (UTC)
My biggest challenge is similar to what you said, I think...I'm a big thought-judger so the idea of simply observing my thoughts is v.v. foreign to me. But that way of looking at the world (of judging everyone and everything, especially myself) is what feeds my anxiety so it only stands to reason that if I can learn to take a step back from my thoughts and feelings, my anxiety mightn't be as overwhelming.

Anyway, I'll have to look and see if there's a qigong class in my area. Thanks for the heads-up.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on February 23rd, 2012 12:15 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that's absolutely the key I think--the mind being very active and judging yourself harshly, always measuring and comparing, is what feeds anxiety. I don't know if it's of any interest but I found reading 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle to be very helpful in gaining a clear, accessible but profound understanding of the way our mind creates these damaging illusions... and how detaching from the mind can be very freeing: we are NOT our minds, though we are used to thinking we are! Qigong has a lot in common with modern developments of mindfulness or 'focusing', learning to 'be present', rather than always worrying about the future or fretting over the past. It's very freeing!
darluludarlulu on February 23rd, 2012 01:30 pm (UTC)
In the mindfulness workbook I've been going through it's big on saying that we're not our thoughts and I often struggle with accepting that. I've lived my life very much in my head at all times (being much more of a thinker than a doer) that I do tend to think that my thoughts are a truer reflection of who I am than my actions, but considering how I lambast myself over my internal monologue it's something of a relief to suddenly consider the idea that that's actually not true.

I'm going to have to look The Power of Now up on amazon...thanks for the rec!
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on February 25th, 2012 12:39 am (UTC)
Yeah, I've lived my whole life in my head as well. It's a HUGE paradigm shift to go through, and I think my mind clings on very hard, really *fights* to protest at how untrue it was because it hates losing power. The key for me was actually experiencing the freedom and release and peace that comes from freeing myself from that idea--that we're not our minds, or our bodies, or our outward actions--that we have an observer 'self' inside, behind those things. I think it can be experienced in many ways, and definitely meditation is one of them. But I remember trying meditation years ago and my mind just protested at it so much I never got to that 'aha!' moment. 'The power of now' helped a lot because it nudges you to *experience* what is being discussed. And trusting your own intuition helps a lot too--like those moments when you think 'hey, this sunbeam or this flower makes me feel happy' and your mind instantly tries to drown out that moment with chatter. Just trying to connect with what makes you happy, whatever it is, I think it can help loosen the hold your mind has on you... at least I started to notice how my mind would always a) discount the liked thing as being 'stupid' or 'not enough' or some other judgement OR b) turn the liked thing into a 'chore' that I 'must do' (this happens to me SO MUCH: with dance, jogging ... meditation even! my mind makes it another stick to beat myself with when I don't do it, whereas the REAL reason I was doing it in the first place was just to be happy).

Connect with that feeling of relief as often as you can, I think! I can't remember if it was Tolle or I read it somewhere else but one thing that helped me was a piece of advice about how to tell if a thought is from your mind/ego or from a deeper place of wisdom inside you (your heart or soul or whatever you prefer to call it): if it makes you feel bad, it's from your mind, not your heart. That doesn't mean your heart has only rose-tinted glasses--it's just means its your source of love so even if its sending a message about something you view as painful, it will be in a very loving away. At least that's how I understand it.

Ok, I'll shut up now! (says my critical mind!!)
brokenmnemonic: BSG - Kara/Lee - Deletedbrokenmnemonic on February 21st, 2012 08:11 pm (UTC)
Haunted by pigeons? You have trees full of lorrikeets outside your house, and yet it's pigeons that haunt your bathroom? It must be a message. While you were chasing the pigeons out, did you happen to notice if one of them seemed very intense and buttoned-down, while the other seemed to have serious commitment issues?

It sounds like you're doing really well with reducing your meds. Dropping by half sounds like a huge success to me, even if you never went any further - but dropping by half makes me think you'll go the whole way :)

K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lee/pigeonbop_radar on February 23rd, 2012 12:27 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it's a message alright. ::mutters under her breath unhappily:: :p