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01 January 2013 @ 06:42 pm
Still standing  
2012 was fucking dreadful. Not ALL of it. But much of it. I've never felt so disorientated, terrified or dissociated from myself and life as I did in 2012. I can't say that a lot of places but I want to say it somewhere. Acknowledging the dreadfulness doesn't mean I'm defeated though: I'm grateful right now to still be standing, still be off medication and still be moving forward with life somehow. Even when progress seems glacial.

I'm grateful for the compassion of my partner, my friends and family. I'm grateful for a lovely house to live in, a garden to sit in and find some moments of peace, and for my pets, who make it a home. I'm grateful for the therapists and other professionals who have helped me this year.

I'm grateful not to be suffering the physical effects of withdrawal any more. No matter what happens to me from here, I'm glad my body has a break from drugs right now. And from caffeine and alcohol too--I'm proud of myself for having given those up and don't miss them. I'm sick of feeling adrenalin flooding my body and anxiety attacks--so I am grateful for the naturopathic herbs that are helping me control that. I am grateful for a pen in my hand so I can write a journal at least.

I wish I didn't cry so much, I wish I had more energy and concentration. I wish I wasn't so fragile. But I'm also trying to practice some self-acceptance and if that's how things are right now, that's how they are. There is no day on which I don't feel relaxed and happy at some point. I am grateful for that.

My resolutions for the year are deliberately small and based on recovering my inner peace. I want to reconnect with things I enjoy--even if at first it feels terribly forced. With dancing, reading, TV (at the moment I can only really do comedies but we'll see), film, and animal stuff (seriously animal stories are my go-to calm down drug right now). I want to spend LESS time thinking about my mental state and big picture stuff and more time enjoying details, the small things. Trust myself, trust time, trust life a little more.

And I'd like to say to all those people who found 2012 to be hellish: you're not alone, and no, it's not always going to be like this. Even I know this! I may not always *feel* it, but I know it. :) So I'm grateful for a new year that brings new possibilities.

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/244964.html. comment count unavailable comments Comment here or there, as you will.
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darluludarlulu on January 1st, 2013 03:14 pm (UTC)
Right there with you bb! 2012 was hellish for me, too, but I'm hopeful about 2013.

I want to spend LESS time thinking about my mental state and big picture stuff and more time enjoying details, the small things. Trust myself, trust time, trust life a little more.

You and me both. :)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on January 2nd, 2013 10:11 am (UTC)
Mmm, it becomes self-defeating sometimes, doesn't it? I've ben so worried about the BIG stuff it becomes all consuming and the worries just feed the problem I'm worried about in the first place. letting things be a bit is my new hope!
silverscreengalsilverscreengal on January 4th, 2013 02:06 am (UTC)
I feel honored to have you share with me such a beautiful description of your ongoing journey. Thank you for that. You made me feel better knowing you're out there: struggling, growing, hoping. I'm doing the same.
Mistress Spinmlsky on January 5th, 2013 05:34 pm (UTC)
And I'd like to say to all those people who found 2012 to be hellish: you're not alone, and no, it's not always going to be like this. Even I know this! I may not always *feel* it, but I know it. :) So I'm grateful for a new year that brings new possibilities.

You've hit exactly how I'm viewing things at the moment. 2012 had so many ups and downs (sadly, more downs) but a new year offers so much. :D

It's lovely to see a post from you. :D Happy New Year.