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09 January 2007 @ 08:03 pm
I'm distressed! I can't work out which is funnier--David Tennant on Friday Night Project, the Battlestar Galactica Season 3 gag reel or the oh-so-brainbleach-necessitating wank? Eee!! Too many giggles to choose from!

(Actually I think my favourite is still David Tennant's facial expressions and occasional spontaneous gales of laughter on Friday Night Project, but it was a photo finish...)

So since my f'list has linked me to so many great giggles, I feel I should return the favour. :-) On the weekend I picked up this book in my local bookstore. I laughed so hard I had to buy it so people would stop staring at me. I would best describe it as crack!fic for/by literary geeks. Evidently it's based on a Radio 4 show in the UK--I picked it up because I like Sebastian Faulks (at times--I was pretty disappointed in Human Traces). Anyway, it consists of short parodies of famous writers, including:
- Jane Austen dates an American Psycho
- Geoffrey Chaucer celebrates the appointment of Geri Haliwell to the UN ambassador on AIDS education in Africa
- Franz Kafka tackles Microsoft
- DH Lawrence writes a brochure for 18-30 holidays
- Hemingway writes a family Christmas letter
- the Brontes place personal ads
- Oscar Wilde tries his hand at being an agony aunt
- Shakespeare writes a speech for Basil Faulty

For a taster, here is Martin Amis sends his lad to Hogwarts, with a warning for smut, *g*
Primped and shining in the school's idea of a uniform - to which my success in the risibly straightforward scholarship exam had condemned me - I was presented to 'Professor' McGonagall, a chestless sexagenarian with halitosis that could have downed a wing of Lancasters; then to Dumbledore, the shuffling dotard of a headmaster, whose eyes appraised me with the unhurried insolence of the career pederast.

He entrusted me to Hermione Granger, a smug little number with a row of coloured gel pens in the pocket of her Aertex shirt, an item given pleasing heft by the twin discs of her tumid little breasts. She was, I had already been told, rumoured to give hand jobs of Stakhanovite efficiency to the gods of the Quidditch team as they showered off the stardust of their sporting triumphs, lined up in engorged single file.

The dormitory was a row of iron beds, purchased at some Gulag boot sale; the wanking opportunities, doubtless in breach of numerous human rights, looked about as promising as those at a lock-down facility for convicted Islamic pick-pockets.

Next from that baleful twilight emerged 'Ron' Weasley, a spavined welterweight who reeked of chav, with his fucked-up bathmat of orange frizz and his eyes full of cancelled hope. In the bed next to mine was Harry Potter, a weapons-grade geek with a thunderbolt of acne through his candidly sebaceous forehead, who told me he lived in a cupboard for fuck's sake.

Outside, I waved goodbye to my parents with sinister, noir-ish gestures, the sculpted rhomboids of my fingernails still glistening from the manicure they had received that morning from Renska, the tragically unmagnetic Pole in Hans 'n' Feat on Ken High Streeet, who had more or less begged me to let her go down on my, admittedly, triangulated groin.

'Gosh,' said little Potter, 'I hope you'll be in Gryffindor.'

'I think not', I said, watching as the witch McGonagall embarked on some embarrassing hokum with an oldster's
rug-covering into which she periodically plunged her veiny claw.

I had been given the low-down on the houses by one Malfoy, an enthusiastic sodomite in the second year, whose parentsknew mine through some unspeakable, almost certainly adulterous, connection of tennis and 'pot-luck' suppers, for which Mrs M favoured pleated white skirts of possibly illegal brevity, granting occasional glimpses of white cotton gash that had furnished material for an entire summer of jackhammer fantasy.

And so it was that at the end of my first day, answering wearily to the call of my name, I pulled myself up to my full four feet eleven and sauntered through the porter's lodge to Slytherin, its turbid quadrangles, its simmering ante-rooms...

Bonus snippet from Dan Brown visits the cash dispenser,
The world-renowned author stabbed his dagger-like debit card into the slot. 'Welcome to the NatWest,' barked the blushing grey light of the screen to the forty-two-year-old man. He had only two thoughts.
NatWest is a perfect heptogram.

Will share more on demand. ;-)

ETA: Other authors mocked within are: Kingsley Amis, Samuel Beckett, Alan Bennett, John Betjeman, Enid Blyton, Byron, Lewis Carroll, Raymond Chandler, PG Wodehouse, Agatha Christie, Coleridge, Conan Doyle, Catherine Cookson, Noel Coward, Richmal Crompton, Roald Dahl, Charles Dickens, TS Eliot, Ian Fleming (Bond!), Freud, Graham Greene, Thomas Hardy, Hilaria Holmroyd, Henry James, Dr Johnson, James Joyce, Kafka, Virginia Woolf, Philip Larkin, AA Milne, Johm Milton, Iris Murdoch, George Orwell, Pepys, Harold Pinter, Sylvia Plath, Alexander Pope, Beatrix Potter, Tolkien, Dylan Thomas, Evelyn Waugh, John Updike, Yeats and Wordsworth.
Current Location: sofa of comfiness
Beckysadface on January 9th, 2007 10:33 am (UTC)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: TW smilebop_radar on January 9th, 2007 11:26 am (UTC)
Whilom in Dagenham there dwelt
A Girl of Spice that highte Geraldine.
Upon hir heed were locks of copper hue;
She shriek'd with other gentil damosels
In minstrel troupe; and get full serious was she,
... 'By Christes bones,'
Quoth she, 'when that ye desiroous be to swyve thy wif,
Tak care in caul or bladders greased to wrap thy knob
A wondrous wench was she. Full fearsome was
Hir voice, yet of increase of it there was no ende.
Becky: [other] crayonssadface on January 9th, 2007 10:34 am (UTC)
Omg, totally forgot I wasn't on the meme. :|

What I meant to say was:

Heeeee! I might pick up this book, I'm reading Stephen Fry's, atm and they are not easy for me to read, idk why.

I hate Dan Brown, lets mock him more! :D
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: House Cameronbop_radar on January 9th, 2007 11:29 am (UTC)
Next Brown snippet:

Scratching his aquiline head, frantically trying to remember a number, the sun came up at last and rained its orange beams on Dan Brown. 'What do you want to do?' asserted the blinking screen. His options were stark for Brown, more than ever now. 'Get Mini Statement'. 'Withdraw Cash'. 'Change PIN'. For what seemed an eternity, trying to remember his PIN, the screen mocked the famous writer.


OMG, I have to STOP! It's hurting my brain! (Just like Dan Brown!)
(Deleted comment)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lois reads VWbop_radar on January 9th, 2007 09:50 pm (UTC)
The Dan Brown one is absolute GOLD. I love that the sun comes up while he's waiting to choose what to do at the ATM. And the misused verbs! 'asserted', 'mocked' The misplaced modifiers 'trying to remember his PIN'! How everything is infused with URGENCY ('frantically') and SIGNIFICANCE ('more than ever now').

It goes on!
Someone somewhere knows my four-figure PIN
Whatever my PIN was once is still my PIN and in some remote safe someone somewhere still knows it.
In Paddington Station, an iconic railway terminal with a glass roof like the bastard offspring of some greenhouse and a railway station, a line of fellow travellers was waiting on Brown. Brown frowned down at his brown shoes and for the hundredth time that morning wondered what destiny may have in store for the Exeter, New Hampshire graduate.

HUAHAHA. Count the badness!
(Deleted comment)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Allison bouncybop_radar on January 9th, 2007 10:18 pm (UTC)
Oh, the best is yet to come! The OMG!SIGNIFICANCE of his pin number. *G*

Of course. They must pass on the secret PIN. An unbroken chain whose links are not forged (not in that sense).
9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6. His fingers pronounced the Sigma number. The Sigma number was almost impossible to fake, whereby the Liberace Sequence was quite easy to forge for prominent author Dan Brown.
'Take your cash now please,' pleaded the mocking screen, no longer mocking.
It's like giving candy to a baby, it occurred to the universe-celebrated prose stylist.
It's like shelling eggs..
Bettybrown_betty on February 28th, 2007 02:53 am (UTC)
Petra linked me here. These are gorgeous.

I love the misplaced modifiers best.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lois searchingbop_radar on February 28th, 2007 05:06 am (UTC)
They're gold, aren't they?! I'm glad you enjoyed the post--that book kept me giggling for hours.
is that a fact or a weapon: ; giggle chortle squeedisprove on January 9th, 2007 10:42 am (UTC)
Sculpted rhomboids! Enthusiastic sodomite! Ahahaha!

Give me Hemingway and Wilde please. And Dan Brown! ♥
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Bamber yellowbop_radar on January 9th, 2007 11:33 am (UTC)
Some more Brown is above. *g*

Wilde as agony-aunt:

From T. Blair of Downing Steet, London, SW1
Dear Uncle Oscar
I have had a long off-on relationship with a man called Peter. It always ends traumatically when he misbehaves, but a few months later I find I have to take him back. He is in Brussels at the minute. How can I break my cycle of dependency?

My dear Tony
To forgive is human but to err is divine. For myself, I make a habit of never making promises that I can keep; it renders one predictable, and predictability is the godfather of tedium. By the way, Brussels is all very well, but not for the whole weekend.


Hemingway's Christmas letter (the start):

It was another year at 43 Havana Avenue.
The boy went to university. We drove to the university in a car. When the weeks had passed the boy took exams. He took exams in media studies, sociology and theory of knowledge. He studied other girlish subjects. He passed the exams.

Nora Norwichnorwich36 on January 9th, 2007 06:31 pm (UTC)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Buffy glowybop_radar on January 9th, 2007 09:52 pm (UTC)
YOU MUST. It's parody HEAVEN. *g*
Moonwitch Iconsmoonwitch on January 9th, 2007 10:59 am (UTC)
Ahaha, I cackled at the HP bit. XD How much was the book? I may look into buying it as well.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: books!!bop_radar on January 9th, 2007 11:34 am (UTC)
Unfortunately it is only out in ridiculousy $ hardback right now. I blush to say I paid $32.95 for it. And it's really short. But DAMN it's funny!
Moonwitch Icons: beryl &; snakesmilemoonwitch on January 9th, 2007 11:52 am (UTC)
Ah! Well I might just wait til it's a bit cheaper.

Also, may I request some Raymond Chandler? :3
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Aishwarya lanternbop_radar on January 9th, 2007 09:58 pm (UTC)
AH! They noted that Chandler and Wodehouse were near-contemporaries at Dulwich College in London, so they swap them and Chandler describes Wodehouse land, and Wodehouse Chandler land. The result is this:

I had a short let at the time on an apartment in Berkeley Mansions. The rent was low because the owner was a way in Pentonville and the rusty elevator screeched like a Palm Springs widow at a blackjack table. The super was called 'Fancy' Jeeves, the sort of stuck-up guy who reads Spinoza for the gags.
Back in the apartment, I was counting my winnings when Fancy Jeeves came in and started plucking at my sleeve. 'There is a Miss Madeleine Bassett to see you, sir. The lady has been waiting a considerable time.'
He showed in a young blonde with eyes like the foglamps of an Oldsmobile.
'I don't do matrimonial,' I said.
decisively indecisive: readingbouncymonkey on January 9th, 2007 11:15 am (UTC)
Hee! That book looks awesome :)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Clois hugbop_radar on January 9th, 2007 09:44 pm (UTC)
'Tis! I've transcribed a few more snippets in the comments here since people requested. I find some of them funnier than others mainly dependent on how well I know the classic authors' work--they're very very well done.
Vicki: glover (love valour compassion)myownghost on January 9th, 2007 12:06 pm (UTC)
>his fucked-up bathmat of orange frizz and his eyes full of cancelled hope.

oh, yes. that's wonderful! do you have time for a little eliot?
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Jamie Bamber smrt is sexybop_radar on January 9th, 2007 09:42 pm (UTC)
Um, you may die, but its Eliot 'reflects that it might have come out better in limericks'

Said a Lloyd's clerk with mettlesome glands:
'To Margate - I'll lie on the sands.
The Renaissance and Dante
Dardanelles and now - Shanti!
God, it's all come apart in my hands.'

We were freezing, ripped off and forlorn,
As we travelled towards a false dawn;
But the truth of the stable
Showed my world was a fable;
Now I wish that I'd never been born.
Vicki: adinamyownghost on January 9th, 2007 09:51 pm (UTC)
OMG. i'm snickering like mad, but that's atrocious. haha!

thanks for transcribing. shanti shanti shanti.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Clex here with youbop_radar on January 9th, 2007 09:54 pm (UTC)
There is, of course, also:

I once missed the moment to be
Someone not on the periphery
But my second-hand life
Was too dull for a wife:
Now the stairlift awaits only me.

Vicki: mmmmm piemyownghost on January 9th, 2007 10:21 pm (UTC)
i like that one! uhm. *slinks away in shame*
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Clark identity crisisbop_radar on January 9th, 2007 10:23 pm (UTC)
Heeee hee. Oh, I like them all. But then I was never a big Eliot fan. Somehow the Magi one amused me the most, but Prufrock is probably the most successfully parodied.
Vicki: CK prettymyownghost on January 9th, 2007 10:28 pm (UTC)
funny about eliot. when i was in college, he scared me. (i almost majored in english but wasn't sophisticated enough for my professors' taste, so i switched my major to italian.) eliot was way over my head.

when i hit 50 or so, i decided to stop being afraid and began to read eliot for the pleasure of his language. there are parts of some of his poems that break my heart. not that i claim to understand a lot of his abstruse references, but the language, mmmmm.

K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: books are lovebop_radar on January 9th, 2007 10:33 pm (UTC)
It could well be that he's a mature taste. I've never been very comfortable with poetry and I definitely found him daunting (so it was easier to sit on the sidelines and mock, I blush to say!). Every so often I challenge myself with poetry, though I still prefer European poets to the English. I'll give it another ten years and try Eliot again! ;-)
fruitsome: r_lexglowgrapefruitzzz on January 9th, 2007 03:16 pm (UTC)
Tennant was funnier because the gag reel was deficient in Lee and therefore a sad thing. I liked the rap at the end and might try to snippet it.

Zomg, pro crossover fic! Hee!

K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lee gay pornbop_radar on January 9th, 2007 09:40 pm (UTC)
Yes, deficient in Lee. :-( We do not like this. Although I did enjoy seeing Adama crack up in his oh-so-serious-I-started-the-war speech. :-) And the rap was fab!
Becky: WTFcinderella81 on January 9th, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
The brainbleach necessitating wank is just crazy!!! ladydreamer pointed me towards it, and OMG!!! Crazy!
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lois LMAObop_radar on January 9th, 2007 09:39 pm (UTC)
TRULY. It was very funny to see how many people linked to it. The comments were GOLD.
(no subject) - bloodygoodgirl on January 9th, 2007 10:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: books!!bop_radar on January 10th, 2007 01:39 am (UTC)
Heee. The Fleming one is called 'Even James Bond goes Shopping':

Bond lowered himself through a ventilation grille in the ceiling above the savoury dips aisle. He brushed the dust from the coat of his midnight-blue worsted suit and lit one of his custom-made Morland cigarettes with the three gold rings round the tip.
Ignoring the selection of instant mashed potato (Cadbury's Smersh, he thought ruefully), he walked through pet food and made for the wine selection, which was supervised by a young Mexican.
'Tell me,' said Bond, 'do you have a Chateau Gruaud La Rose 1990?'
'Eh, no, sir, but we 'ave the Sauvignon/Shiraz from Paraguay for 3.99.'
It was part of Bond's profession to kill people. He never liked doing it, but, he reflected as he fitted the silencer to his .25 Beretta, regret was unprofessional.
(no subject) - bloodygoodgirl on January 10th, 2007 01:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Lee gay pornbop_radar on January 10th, 2007 01:48 am (UTC)
*swats you* Oh, us slash girls, we are so well-trained! ;-)

hoolia goolia: Hiro Wafflesboom_queen on January 10th, 2007 01:26 am (UTC)
Buying book on Amazon now because of addictive literary-crack-fic snippets! So far my favorite are the Wilde and Eliot, but I can't wait for more. Hit me with some Plath!!!

And I lurved the gag reel. 70s-era Olmos was too funny. "Eat sh!t and die" and "perv cam" were right up there too. And I'd forgotten all about Katee's awfulawfulawful death scene in whatever horror movie that was--wax heads rolling down the stairs for the win!
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: books!!bop_radar on January 10th, 2007 01:43 am (UTC)
Hee. :-) Yeah, the recycling of material from other roles was definitely one of the best aspects. SO funny!

Book is very addictive, yes. Plath! Hee. This is a bit of Plath tackling the story of Goldilocks:

Daddy Bear, your gruel,
Grey as the Feldgrau,
Pungent as a jackboot,
Rises under an ailing moon.
I have been sleeping
In your bed, Daddy.

hoolia goolia: JD - oh crap fangirlsboom_queen on January 10th, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)
OMG that's terrifyingly good. Wants the book to arrive nowwww!
Parul: Kingdom Hearts - friendsnakhrewali on January 10th, 2007 08:48 am (UTC)
Um darn I'll just have to get the book because it seems to me I want to read 13 of those author mockeries.

Very well, if I must decide would you mind sharing some Enid Blyton goodness?

also oh god the Plath, JKR, Fleming, Hemingway and Wilde ones have just about slayed me.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: books!!bop_radar on January 10th, 2007 11:00 pm (UTC)
:-) It's a very amusing book!

The Enid Blyton is 'the Famous Five grown up':

After their success in catching Blackbeard and the Foreign-Looking Man at Smuggler's Cove, the Five found they had been posted to the Anti-Terrorist Squad in London.

'Poo-ee,' said Anne on their first afternoon in the office. 'Let's have a jolly good tidy up, shall we? I'll do the washing up.'

'Shut it,' barked Julian, who had picked up the new office talk. 'You can't wash up a styrofoam cup.'
Parulnakhrewali on January 10th, 2007 11:33 pm (UTC)
ha! That's exactly the sort of thing Anne would say.
Dionusia: kara ringside c'mondionusia on April 26th, 2007 02:31 am (UTC)
AWESOME! I'm getting this ASAP! Thanks for the rec, Boppy!

Harry Potter, a weapons-grade geek with a thunderbolt of acne through his candidly sebaceous forehead, who told me he lived in a cupboard for fuck's sake.

Bwahaha...best use of "sebaceous" ever...

And "admittedly triangulated groin" -- there are no words. :D
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: books are lovebop_radar on April 26th, 2007 02:37 am (UTC)
You won't regret it! It's short but what there is is the highest calibre crack around. I transcribed some more bits and pieces in the comments. I still can't decide which my personal favourites are... Hemmingway probably, since I have a bullet with his name on it. Ditto DH Lawrence. And the Eliot amused me greatly too.
Rachel: OMG Sufjanbitterlatinist on April 27th, 2007 04:50 pm (UTC)
OMG. Must. Have. This. Book. I nearly snorted coffee out of my nose reading the Potter parody. Also loved OO7 dropping out of the vent to go shopping. Thanks for the rec.
You find the most amazing things. Can I be added to the Book Filter so I don't miss anymore lit geek gems?
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: books are lovebop_radar on April 28th, 2007 01:02 pm (UTC)
(Great icon!)
I'm so glad you liked it! And sure--I'll add you right now! :-) Though it's not always as fun as this. I'm way behind in updating on the books I've read recently--this has reminded me.