Tiger cub


I just realised the vid connection point for a song I've been listening to for over a year obsessively. *FLASH* Suddenly the entire vid is brought to life before my eyes... and of course it's for a source I would loooooove to vid but never have. *heart thud*

If only I could take time off from the world and make it... at least my inner mind can build castles ...

ETA: *relistening* HOLY SHIT, this is THE song for this source!!! *immediately YouTube searches to see if it exists*

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Deborah Morgan

Breaking Bad Season 1

So I watched Season 1 of Breaking Bad. My watching journey was something like this:

Bored, bored, ewwwwwwwwwwwwww ewwwwww ewwwww, still bored, ewwwww, bored, bored, ewww, ewwww, ewwwwwwwwwwaghhhhheewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, bored, bored, not so bored, ew, bored, ew, hmm... bored, hmm... STRANGELY HOOKED IN BUT DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY.

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Aishwarya Rai

Fanvid: Rosebud (Bomb Girls - Betty/Kate)

Source: Bomb Girls
Pairing: Betty/Kate
Song: Rosebud
Artist: The Jezabels
Summary: It always seems you can't turn round once you choose to ride...
Notes: It was difficult to know how much of Kate's backstory to include in this, but since this is a Betty-POV piece, I found it better to allude to most of it rather than to show it overtly. Nevertheless, this piece does contain spoilers for all episodes to date (2.6). I am rusty, rusty, rusty as a vidder but enjoyed the chance to vid a Jezabels track (so much love for them!).

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    Rosebud - The Jezabels
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Bomb Girls

I have a new show!

Bomb Girls - Canadian show about women working in a bomb factory in World War II. Great cast, pretty decent writing, and it well and truly aces the Bechdel test.

Is anyone else watching it?

Betty's my favourite, with Kate and Gladys runners up, but I enjoy all the characters to some degree.

And now I have an excuse to vid one of my favourite tracks ... whee! Even if I do have to kind of pinch and squeeze to make it work ... Please give me more footage, show! March 25 = too long away! Plus another idea for an ensemble piece.

Inspiration = yay!

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Tiger cub

Still standing

2012 was fucking dreadful. Not ALL of it. But much of it. I've never felt so disorientated, terrified or dissociated from myself and life as I did in 2012. I can't say that a lot of places but I want to say it somewhere. Acknowledging the dreadfulness doesn't mean I'm defeated though: I'm grateful right now to still be standing, still be off medication and still be moving forward with life somehow. Even when progress seems glacial.

I'm grateful for the compassion of my partner, my friends and family. I'm grateful for a lovely house to live in, a garden to sit in and find some moments of peace, and for my pets, who make it a home. I'm grateful for the therapists and other professionals who have helped me this year.

I'm grateful not to be suffering the physical effects of withdrawal any more. No matter what happens to me from here, I'm glad my body has a break from drugs right now. And from caffeine and alcohol too--I'm proud of myself for having given those up and don't miss them. I'm sick of feeling adrenalin flooding my body and anxiety attacks--so I am grateful for the naturopathic herbs that are helping me control that. I am grateful for a pen in my hand so I can write a journal at least.

I wish I didn't cry so much, I wish I had more energy and concentration. I wish I wasn't so fragile. But I'm also trying to practice some self-acceptance and if that's how things are right now, that's how they are. There is no day on which I don't feel relaxed and happy at some point. I am grateful for that.

My resolutions for the year are deliberately small and based on recovering my inner peace. I want to reconnect with things I enjoy--even if at first it feels terribly forced. With dancing, reading, TV (at the moment I can only really do comedies but we'll see), film, and animal stuff (seriously animal stories are my go-to calm down drug right now). I want to spend LESS time thinking about my mental state and big picture stuff and more time enjoying details, the small things. Trust myself, trust time, trust life a little more.

And I'd like to say to all those people who found 2012 to be hellish: you're not alone, and no, it's not always going to be like this. Even I know this! I may not always *feel* it, but I know it. :) So I'm grateful for a new year that brings new possibilities.

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The Fall Alex kiss Roy

Depression survival

In the last months I suffered a breakdown (panic attacks) and relapse of my depression. At times I've been so disconnected I had no idea who I was and my thinking has been paranoic and distorted (but I don't recognise it as such at the time). However I have lucid times as well and still hope to be able to stay off medication.

So I haven't been in a place or time where I had a lot to give to other people (hence lack of posting here). But in my searching for ways to help myself and give myself hope that I can see this through, I've come across a couple of resources that might be of interest to others who suffer from depression, anxiety or other mood disorders:

optimismonline These guys have an app where you can track your symptoms and the various ways you look after yourself (sleep, exercise, supplements, etc). You can customise it with the techniques you are trying so you get an idea over time what is really making a difference. This seems really ideal to me in terms of self-monitoring, on or off medication.

curetogether This site gathers data from people who actually have various conditions who report on how useful they found various treatments. The results are compiled as here for depression:
VERY useful to bust the myth that medication alone is a solution. Obviously there is no one-size-fits-all solution to depression as it's such a blanket term that covers a lot of different things, but it's a great way of seeing that there are many ways to support ourselves (most of these can be combined, after all!). And which ones are fucking useless--alcohol and caffeine!! (And some fairly useless medications!)

smilingmind An Australian initiative to promote meditation, especially among young people. It's a very userfriendly, accessible introduction to meditation with the advantage that you can use it on your computer at work in short breaks. Meditation has been instrumental for me--when reducing my medication and now to recover. Absolutely everyone benefits from it--the key is to learn how very easy it really is!

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