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30 December 2009 @ 05:22 pm
2009 Vidding Meme  
Squeezing in under the bell for 2009...

Summary: My third year of vidding was a bitch. :(

Vids made in 2009, by date of completion

OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...

June = DLZ (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, ensemble) BLESS ITS COTTON SOCKS.

August = Hooker (Gossip Girl, Jenny-mocking) Fun but no one watched. *shrug* I like vidding for small markets, I think.

November = Capital G (True Blood, Eric/Godric) Meh. But people liked it = yay!

That is SERIOUSLY UNDERWHELMING. I hadn't even realised! I mean I know I've felt really stalled with my vidding but I think the number of unfinished vids on my harddrive has been disguising the truth from me somewhat.

The rest of this meme is going to be seriously boring! It can be summed up by saying that I think DLZ is THE SHIT as far as my vidding goes.

I vote DLZ my most underappreciated vid because it is AWESOME, people. Seriously, you don't know what you are missing... :p Nah, it's not for everyone and I am really totally fine with that. I heart its small fanbase to pieces. It was also the hardest vid, though Capital G proved deceptively so as well--it was meant to be my light, throwaway piece but then demanded more than I felt I had as a vidder. :/

Hooker is interesting to read as the most unintentionally telling vid. It's really just a silly bit of fun (though I love that it pissed someone off so much they gave it one star on YouTube! *g*), but it does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from. I didn't have love for ANYTHING in August this year, but I did have a fair bit of bitchiness. ;) And I hate social climbers. Gah.

Biggest vid fail
Hahaha, can the whole year be fail? I think a lot was going on for me creatively and personally and it feels like 2009 was a transition year for me. I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more. (BSG broke me, Smallville derailed.) Turns out that is a LOT less fun. (Personal opinion, obviously) I also started the year absolutely batshit desparate to learn more and grow as a vidder and I learnt absolutely f-all. I blamed myself for nine tenths of the year and vidding fandom for about a tenth (yeah, that wasn't very nice of me--it's not like vidding fandom owes me shit, but I was BITTER and THWARTED, goddamn it!). In the end, I turned down the one offer I got of help because it would have come with strings, and I am happy with my decision on that, but I'm still left thinking 'hmm, how DO I actually get better at this?' In the last month or so this is starting to shift into 'oh fuck getting better at it, just make some vids! Stop being a perfectionist bitch!'

What this meme does not cover
I actually think I had a lot of breakthroughs in 2009 that are not apparent in my vidding yet. One was realising that vidding really mattered to me--mattered enough to stay here in fandom even without a fandom, mattered enough to put up with crazy politics and elitism, mattered enough to keep trying to do something more positive with myself even when I was really miserable and sad. It was actually really hard to admit that vidding meant that much to me. I had to admit to myself I was heartbroken to miss Vividcon, that I was lonely in the fandom, that I had no idea how to *be* in the fandom really... and all at a time when I had less motivation to vid than ever before and when everything I felt inspired to vid (mostly very dark, vitriolic BSG) was nothing anyone would want to watch. It was very confusing.

Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL. I guess I always knew that yet I sort of still wanted popularity? Now? I really don't. I got more satisfaction out of making vids with very specific audiences in mind this year than I did out of going for huge popular audiences in the past. When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100. I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me but I don't think my most popular vids are my best work, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are other vidders out there who find the same thing. I've made peace with that and I am happy with my decision not to send DLZ to Vividcon where it would have been constructed as a failure rather than safe in my heart where it is my only real accomplishment of the year.

Then there was all the social stuff... Gah. So I made that really controversial post after Vividcon. It was important to me in terms of being honest in the fandom, but I did NOT realise how big it was going to get. I kind of thought (oh so naive) that there would be other posts dealing with other aspects of the inclusion/exclusion issue (most of which are much more important than my little personal gripes) but alas, instead, my post kind of fell in the spotlight. I really wish more people at spoken up, but I also learnt just how scared people are. The amount of anon and private messages I received in those couple of weeks was startling.

After that I felt a lot of guilt and at the same time I felt like I could do something positive to help the community, regardless of how well my vidding went, and I want to carry that (though not the guilt!) forward into 2010. It was a real 'no one else will be bothered so just do it yourself thing'. So... the plan is vid chats up and running again, organise an Aus vidding get-together, potentially organise a UK gettogether for Mar/Apr 11. I've got to say that is REALLY daunting. I don't really have the self-belief required yet, I think, but somehow I have to find it. I do have the will, so I guess I hope stubbornness will get me over the line? o.O

I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I think that's the biggest challenge for me in the year ahead. Basically after my big controversial post I just heaped all the problems on myself and have felt really overwhelmed as a consequence. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not helping people, and ironically that just makes me more likely to avoid doing the things I wanted to do to help. I need to get out of that mindset somehow or I won't accomplish anything.

On a final, minor-sounding but actually major point: I posted a vid to a comm for the first time and it was a great experience. :) That was a block I used to have!

For 2010
I want to make some vids. Ones I like. I want to stop procrastinating. May 2010 be Bop's Year of Vidding Productivity!
Current Location: sofa of comfiness
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Becka: we are the cylon vidding machine!beccatoria on December 30th, 2009 11:31 am (UTC)
Well first off, I LOVE DLZ. I have a horrible feeling I may have failed to comment and tell you at the time (it was a crazy time of year for me) but that's my bad and dude, it's awesome. I can't imagine how it would have been construed as a failure at VVC, but if you say it would have been then power to you for keeping it safe elsewhere because it's one of my favourite TSCC vids ever. <3

I also wanted to say I really understand the problems with vidding with no fandom. It's really tough. I've largely been avoiding that issue so far by very slowly creeping away from BSG (which broke my heart too), but my response to its Epic Failure was to, um, go kind of insane and try to reclaim it with various vid-related shenanigans (including Very Bitter Stuff - srsly, if you make those vids, I can promise you at least Four Whole People who will be excited about it!) rather than running and hiding, but I'd be lying if I said my first impulse wasn't exactly that.

I'm glad to hear that vidding is important to you; I want to see more vids from you! But I understand how hard it is to learn to function in the vidding community rather than as a vidder in a particular fandom; it's not a transition I've managed in anything but the smallest ways, and I would be okay with that...if I had a fandom. But I do think it sounds like yeah, you've been doing so much positive thinking about what's going on that you'll be better placed to do what you want to do in 2010 - to make all this work for you somehow.

Re: Vidukon. I am not the most organised person in the world, and have certainly never tried help out with anything as big as this before, but I'm gonna put it out there and say, if you need help with stuff, let me know if there's anything I can do? I'm not exactly sure what you WOULD need help with, but, um, I want to offer practical help anyway. It's something I'd be interested in attending and therefore interested in helping make happen. Probably you already have UK-based people helping out and I will not be in the slightest offended if you don't get in touch as a non-specific offer of some-type-of-help isn't exactly all that useful. But it is sincere. So if there's anything you need anyone to check out or do to help with this, let me know and I'll see what I can do. Plus on the offchance it happens in Cardiff (which I by no means expect, even though obviously I'd be excited by that), I do live here so I might be able to help in various practical ways with that even if just by offering to meet people at train/coach stations and playing sherpa to get them to wherever the venue is.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on December 30th, 2009 09:42 pm (UTC)
Hee! Thanks, I'm so glad you liked DLZ!! I know you are a discerning fan so that means a lot. ;)

(I hear even the most action-based TSCC vids elicited groans at VVC.)

It's really tough.

my response to its Epic Failure was to, um, go kind of insane and try to reclaim it with various vid-related shenanigans
I think you did very well to keep trying with that... I disengaged entirely, rather like recoiling from having been scalded, but I have all this BSG-related trauma still piled up inside me that is unexpressed. In retrospect, I think it would have been better to get it out of my system. I've also realised belatedly that there are, as you say, a small number of people who would totally be up for bitter, vitriolic, RDM-hating vids. ;)

I would be okay with that...if I had a fandom
SAME! Gah. The world should make new awesome TV so that we could both feel a lot more comfortable again. ;)

Thank you SO MUCH for the offer of help with Vidukon. I think the situation we have is a small number of people who are very keen and committed to attend. I doubt we'll get a big group but I personally think that's ok? The Aus gathering will be even smaller so in my mind it's no obstacle. Cardiff has a lot of support! So yeah having some locals would be good, I think.
(no subject) - beccatoria on December 30th, 2009 11:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bop_radar on January 1st, 2010 08:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - bop_radar on January 1st, 2010 08:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - amnisias on December 30th, 2009 11:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Clois hugbop_radar on December 30th, 2009 10:01 pm (UTC)
Re: Boppy, my very own Hero of Canton...
Oh, wow! Thank you for your very bolstering comment! *g*

one of the most important vids I'v come across this year. You managed to put your motivations, intentions and considerations into words so well and I learnt so much from this commentary that it most definately should count.
Oh wow! That's amazing! It was so personal to me it was hard to see outside my head, but I do actually get what you're saying about reflection in vidding and I agree that it is very gratifying to find good vid commentaries. (vid_commentary gave me a reason to keep going this year when I was despairing.)

vidding a show that I do not feel overly fannish about is easier because I feel less restricted by canon, fandom opinion and my reading of the show. I am free to play with the characters and have some fun....
I love that idea! I think if I'd started out that way I would feel the same way. Perhaps I need to embrace it... I think the problem for me is that I'm used to vidding with a strong emotional connection to a show and lots of background in meta, so I feel anchorless and uncertain when I don't have that. The self-doubt is a lot stronger. But thank you for showing me how I could switch around my attitude and see it as freeing.

I just have to look at the Box Office top ten, music charts and - some - elections to remind myself that what most people want is not necessarily high quality...
Hahaha, yeah, I know, right? I seriously had this breakthrough moment where I thought 'why would vids be any different to music, movies, other cultural expressions...?' As with those forms, there are some pieces which are commonly cited as the 'best' which I do agree are masterful and there are a whole heap of pieces that don't interest me in the slightest--either because they're not my aesthetic, not my fandom, not my sense of humour, not my politics, etc.

a lot of the other stuff that came out of Vividcon turned me really off vidding as a community and I was close to just turning around and walking away. Your post was one of the few that seemed to come from a place of balance, reflection and reason
Oh, thank you so much! I'm so glad, I still worry that I came off as just spewing out a bunch of random rants. But really I'd been thinking about a lot of things for months. Don't worry though--I am definitely glad I did it. It was terribly important to me personally to speak honestly within the fandom (and to own any mistakes I made in doing so). It was also really encouraging and liberating to hear from so many other people.

Hee hee, hugs and cookies gratefully accepted! Thank you so much for responding, even pre-coffee. *sips mine*
laurashapiro on December 30th, 2009 06:00 pm (UTC)
::hugs:: I'm sorry it was such a sucky year for you. I wish I'd known what you were going through, because I totally would have offered help -- without strings even. In fact, fuck it, I'm offering help NOW if you want it. I will cheerfully talk to you about vidding at any time, in your journal, over email, in chat, whatev. I LOVE talking about vidding. I'm not certain there's anything I can actually teach you that you don't already know, but I am certainly willing to try! And feel free to ask for beta at any time. I can't always do it, depending on my schedule, but I love to beta and am always happy to be asked. (:

I fully support your plans for 2010!

K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: TW smilebop_radar on December 30th, 2009 10:04 pm (UTC)
Oh, Laura, you are SO LOVELY! *hugs* That just fills my heart with joy! I would be so honoured to have you beta some time! It was part of my plan to try and be more brave with approaching people about betaing, but it does help immensely to hear you won't immediately dismiss requests. ;) (I'm sure there is tons you could teach me actually--and you vid on a Mac! But I shall try not to pester you with too many questions.)
(no subject) - laurashapiro on December 30th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bop_radar on January 1st, 2010 07:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - laurashapiro on January 1st, 2010 06:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Bellydancebop_radar on January 1st, 2010 07:35 am (UTC)
I need to have something I want to explore with vidding, otherwise I can see how you feel a bit adrift
Yeah. I have a number of things I *kind of* want to explore but nothing that is really really pulling me, if that makes sense. And there's a lot of dithering around not really vidding as a consequence. When I started out it was far more straight forward--one big idea followed another and they just seemed to arise naturally from being into different things. I think I need to be a little less perfectionist about always wanting to be completely swept away and highly motivated with what I'm making, because like you say just the practice of vidding itself can lead to other ideas.

I must admit I opened your yearly meme and was so amused at how it was the polar opposite of mine! You made a TON of vids! :)

nobody can validate your vidding on a large scale and it’s futile to try for that?
Totally. I think that's one area I'm pretty grounded about--it was a surprise to find I'd started caring at all about what other people think. I think it only really happened because I lost my personal motivation there for a while and so started looking for external motivation instead.

some seriously awesome vids and vidders get pretty low amounts of feedback
Definitely! I think getting a lot of comments is influenced by many other things, not just the quality of the vid.

I'm definitely going to post to comms from now on. I'm really glad I broke down that block. For Capital G it was cool to get direct feedback from the people most squeeful about that particular ship (even though I did not know them).

As for DLZ, it's not really that I feel it wasn't appreciated, just that other vids of mine get way more comments, so it's not at all proportional to the amount of work I've put into it. Really I just nominated it because *I'm* really proud of it and very satisfied with the audience it received, but it's still pretty low profile compared to some other vids of mine.

I can't imagine *not* having made the post and it was something I really needed to do personally so I don't regret it, but looking back it was a really tough thing to do and and it was a hard few weeks after it. It definitely helps to know it helped other people! A few things other people said to me during that time really did shift things for me too and so I hope soon to be in that desirable place of just not stressing about that community stuff, spending time with the people who actually care about me, and actually VIDDING.
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(no subject) - bop_radar on January 2nd, 2010 10:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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(no subject) - bop_radar on January 14th, 2010 09:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
daybreak777: viddingdaybreak777 on December 31st, 2009 05:07 am (UTC)
When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100.
That seems to be a lesson a lot of us are learning with these memes. You have to do it for you. Fic or vids, it's the truth. In the end, you have to be happy with what you are creating. It's nice when that dovetails with what your audience likes but it's far, far more important that you like it.

You posted to a comm! And have vidding plans! And you were brave as hell with that post. All of that counts! Yes!

K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on January 1st, 2010 07:36 am (UTC)
It's interesting that that's a theme of so many people's memes. I did do a lot of productive vidding-related 'work' in 2009, it just didn't translate to many vids. But it's a new year and I'm happy to start it.
rhoboatrhoboat on December 31st, 2009 05:38 am (UTC)
I for one admired how you handled yourself so gracefully with your inclusion/exclusion post and then with all the comments. I only wish I had said more in support at the time. ^_^
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on January 1st, 2010 05:08 am (UTC)
Wow, thank youi! It was an overwhelming time but I don't regret it. I'm just glad I don't have to live through it again... ;) I didn't mean to sound like I was whining that people weren't more supportive--I did get a lot of support and it meant a lot.
tariel22: tom-sdcc he's looking right at me!tariel22 on December 31st, 2009 08:43 am (UTC)
DLZ was huge for me, on several different levels. It was the first time I watched a vid and felt like I truly "got" the meta; it was deep and complex, and yet totally accessible at the same time. What was even more important to me, though, was how welcome you made me feel when I commented on it. I am often intimidated by commenting on vids, so afraid I'll miss the point entirely and then my words will sit there on display, a permanent testament to my lack of insight. You helped me understand that watching a vid isn't about passing some test, it's about embracing what the vid makes me think and feel, even if that's something different from the vision that inspired the vidder. What a liberating realization that was, and you gave that to me!

In addition, DLZ opened my eyes to the intertwined relationships in T:SCC, showed me nuances that I didn't fully appreciate before, and made me love the show even more. And of course it made my heart ache for what we already knew we were losing. It will always stand as a wonderful tribute to a great show. I thank you for everything your amazing vid gave to me.

While I know you may think it a silly bit of fluff compared to some of your other work, I have to tell you how much joy I Kissed a Girl continues to bring me. I watch it over and over, at least once every couple of weeks and often more, especially when I've had a bad day, or when the Smallville fandom wank gets me down. It never fails to put a smile on my face. In showcasing Clark's kisses, you give us some of Tom's best moments onscreen, half hilarious (TW's comic gifts are golden) and half dead sexy, and I never tire of watching your perfect celebration of what I love so much about the man. Plus we get those delicious flashes of the heat between Clark and Lex, and the whole thing is just plain fun. I love it. ♥

The amount of personal growth you've gone through in the past year, or at least that which you've shared here, should make you proud. I suspect more than one person has found inspiration in the choices you've made, and the adventure upon which you've embarked. Most of us never find the courage to discover what makes us truly happy, but retreat instead into the safe arms of what we've always known, or what brings the approval of those around us. I don't comment very much, especially lately (I've been mostly lurking for a while now), but I thoroughly enjoy your voice, and I applaud the way you are always true to yourself. I may not be a part of the vidding community myself, but I know it is infinitely richer for your presence in it.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on January 1st, 2010 04:37 am (UTC)
You helped me understand that watching a vid isn't about passing some test, it's about embracing what the vid makes me think and feel, even if that's something different from the vision that inspired the vidder.
ABSOLUTELY! I am so glad we were able to have that exchange so thank you for taking the leap and posting your feelings. I can remember being nervous commenting on vids myself. But I've always found commenting from the heart to be the best way--that connection between viewer and vid is so precious and different for everyone. And as a vidder I don't know in advance what it will be like for people--that bit of the equation I can't control because everyone brings their own thoughts and feelings to the experience. That's why hearing about it is always great!

It means a lot to me that you love DLZ so much. I poured a lot of myself into the vid, including my sadness that such a great show was ending. I'm really glad that translated for you!

I do have to admit that I rewatch 'I Kissed' a fair bit myself! ;-) It is invariably cheerifying! I think cheerifying vids are very important and I couldn't only make serious vids all the time... that one was the easiest of all my vids to put together, largely because I just had to put together all Tom's brilliance in succession! ;) So it's easy for me to dismiss it but it is a favourite. And I love enjoying rewatching my own vids (rather than feeling how much better they could have been!).

Thank you so much for your comment--it means a lot! I think I've been in a process of redefining who I am now online and how that's shifted a bit, and also how I can spend my time here in the most positive way. And I think part of that is spending it with like-minded people and people who take the time to post such thoughtful comments like this. Thank you and all the best to you for 2010! I think it will be a good year. :)
brokenmnemonic: Satriani - Time Machinebrokenmnemonic on December 31st, 2009 03:47 pm (UTC)
You didn't think you could post up a 2009 Vidding Meme and not have me comment, right?  2009 was a weird year in some ways; the only vid you made that's from a show I've actually watched consistently is Capital G, but you and I spent a lot of time talking about vidding. That makes 2009 feel like a very strong vidding year from you for me on a personal level.

I had to double check that you really had made and published 3 vids this year, and not more – you've had so many projects in various stages of development that I was sure the true number was more like 5 and 6. Of course, this means that I think you're going to have a bow-wave of vids appearing next year, as all of these partwork projects become complete vids.

Of course, some of the best advice you gave me when I spent six or eight weeks procrastinating about vidding was to just sit down and start vidding. I think there's been so much vidding angst going on at various levels that you've not been able to do exactly that yourself as much... but I can definitely associate with the lack of a defined show-fandom to vid into resulting in a feeling of disconnection. In your case, I think you've always been a great believer in the vidding fandom, but I think it's a very difficult fandom to actually get that feeling of mutual support, encouragement and inclusiveness that something like a big show-specific vidding fandom does. If you vidded BSG, there was always a strong core group out there whose first reaction was "yaaaay!!" and which had things in common with you, something absent from the larger, more general vidding fandom.

And then there's the whole vidding fandom kerfuffle, of course. I think your post was a big watershed event, and I know how much it was preying on your mind; I'm sure it helped a lot of people, even though it also caused a certain amount of upset. It meant a lot to me on a personal level even though I resorted simply to talking to you, rather than making lots of comments on LJ after my first. I think my issue with the vidding fandom boils down to this idea I have that a vidding community should be about vidding, about enjoying vidding and encouraging vidding. The established community that you've wanted so much to be able to find that support network, that inclusive group that wants to help vidders grow and develop their individual visions, isn't what it should be; instead, there seems to be a lot of bitchiness, a lot of politics, a lot of desire to be in control and to be perceived as being the ultra-PC and worthy group. I hate that. The issues going on around your post cemented why I'm never going to be a member of that vidding community, even barring issues like gender. What you've really done this year is similar to what you did last year – you've encouraged others, you've grown as a vidder and you've remained passionately dedicated to vidding. I think those are great things to take forward into 2010!

Now get vidding. I may not have watched TSCC, but it was a powerful vid for me emotionally... that makes it a big success in my book. Make more!
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Aishwarya lanternbop_radar on January 1st, 2010 04:09 am (UTC)
I was sure the true number was more like 5 and 6
I knooooow! I had to check too! It was quite a shock. I don't know about all those part-made vids though... many of them feel like the moment has passed.

to just sit down and start vidding
Ahh, that IS good advice! I really need to start vidding regularly again. i used to just as habit, but then I built up a lot of angst around it.

t's a very difficult fandom to actually get that feeling of mutual support, encouragement and inclusiveness that something like a big show-specific vidding fandom does
Yeah, there's nothing like the cosiness or familiarity or sense of all being invested in the same thing. Yet it feels like there *should* be, and I see plenty of people talk about it as if there is...

I totally agree with you about the vidding fandom/kerfuffle issues. I wouldn't undo what I did, but the emotional journey before and after that post was really disorienting and exhausting (which you know already). At least I have my eyes open now and my naivety gone and I'm a lot more zen. Things are how they are. I can only change my own behaviour and I'm trying.
diarmi on January 2nd, 2010 12:11 pm (UTC)
It's sad and strange that your August post that caused so much mess for you for me was... well... the beginning of starting to sort out some of my problems with being in this community. It isn't permanent, RL stuff complicates so much but I think I have so much more balance about many things, more distance and at least from time to time more self-confidence. One of the most important things I learnt (and I'm pretty sure this isn't what you had in mind:)) was to listen what others say about vidding but not to take everything too seriously. Because it's such an individual process and following other people's way sometimes may take to place you didn't want to be in. However strange this can sounds:) Sometimes the hardest is to trust yourself:)
But I want to know that your post is one of the last year's things I'm very grateful for:)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on January 2nd, 2010 10:41 pm (UTC)
That's great to hear! I think it was the beginning of sorting stuff out for me too, it was just a really hard thing. But better than remaining stuck! Like you, I'm a lot happier to just follow my own path now. Personally I think I've let go of lots of 'shoulds' that I had bought into from the community.

I'm really glad that other people took positives from it as well.
counteragentcounteragent on January 3rd, 2010 02:52 pm (UTC)
DLZ IS the shit.

One of the reasons I think it was underappreciated is cause all the vidders were working on VVC SCC Premieres and you know how crazy vidders are (including myself): they won't watch anything they are vidding for VVC. I finally figured that out when I saw all the VVC posts. Alas. Vidder craziness can be such a strange force.

I didn't personally connect with your post-VVC feelings, but I REALLY am super glad that your ultimate decision was to make more things for the community, especially an Aus vid con. Now THAT is a con I'd love to attend someday, whether virtually or in person!

Edited at 2010-01-03 05:30 pm (UTC)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on January 3rd, 2010 10:53 pm (UTC)
DLZ IS the shit.
Hee hee hee. It's so funny for me to be able to say that comfortably about my own vid, but it's largely because I feel secure that you really liked it--and that was the most important thing. I know I say it's underappreciated but I've actually never been so zen about the reception of any other vid. I know I'm proud of it, I know you liked it... what more do I need? :) And yeah, it was a bad time of year for posting vids. I do find the way Vividcon drives the focus of the online community very annoying that way. Sorry! I'm sure it's fine if you're caught up in it but it is very isolating to those who aren't. *shrug* But again, I'm a lot more zen about that now than I was in August. ;) It's just how things are.

It's pretty scary to go from never attending a con to making one oneself (albeit very small!) but I hope it will be something that others can connect with and ultimately be a new positive thing. I wish it didn't rely on my confidence levels quite so much, but I'm working on it. ;)
(no subject) - counteragent on January 4th, 2010 02:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bop_radar on January 4th, 2010 07:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
stacialystacialy on February 2nd, 2010 01:03 am (UTC)
I'm just catching up, so this is kinda late for responding to your post, but I wanted to just say that I relate particularly to what you say here:

I'm starting to realise how distorted some of my fears are. I know it's common to have fears related to creative activities, but I think my worst ones are actually about other vidders. I seriously get very jittery about approaching anyone. I actually think it didn't help that I was a vid fan and lurked around vidding for years before I vidded myself. It's hard to shake the sense of distance between me and the people I knew as vidders before I ever started.

I always feel like I don't really belong, cause I was watching vids in lots of random places before I knew anything about LJ. So I do feel like an outsider, which sometimes makes it hard to post or reply to people, even if I am interested in what they are saying. I do feel comfortable making comments about the vids themselves, because I am confident in my opinion, but all the social stuff and fears about what people, who don't even know me must think of me... It's really weird to me how, at 32, I can feel kinda like I'm in high school. Because the truth is, I want to be liked by vidders, especially vidders that I consider amazing artists.
Anyway, fear is a really fraked-up thing, and I truly believe it mostly just gets in the way. But social anxiety, especially, is the worst. So I feel ya. Thanks for always being so open in your posts.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on February 2nd, 2010 10:44 am (UTC)
Hey there! Nice to hear from you! :)

I do feel comfortable making comments about the vids themselves, because I am confident in my opinion
Oh yes! Me too. I really relate to that. If anything I think I come over as too opinionated in vidding fandom about the vids themselves because I can always form an articulated position about the vids (though I've learnt to hold my tongue when it's not a wholly positive one!). On the other hand, I am off-the-charts fearful in navigating the social relationships. And hey, we're both 32! But yes, I totally regress to high school anxiety around vidders. I'm working on it, and mostly realising it's all in my head. But some days are better than others. :) I'm also learning to move on when the vidders I admire don't give me the time of day... I may love their vids, but it doesn't mean we click as people. That's a hard lesson because of course I admire people that made the works I love the best, and of course I would like their respect, if not their friendship, but this year I'm resolved to be a grown up about it. *G*
(no subject) - stacialy on February 3rd, 2010 04:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bop_radar on February 4th, 2010 05:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - stacialy on February 5th, 2010 04:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bop_radar on February 6th, 2010 07:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - stacialy on February 7th, 2010 10:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bop_radar on February 8th, 2010 10:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)