Summary: My third year of vidding was a bitch. :(
Vids made in 2009, by date of completion
OMG YOU GUYS, I ONLY MADE THREE FUCKING VIDS. NO WONDER I'M SO MISERABLE!!!
OK, I also made a vidlet and a few commentaries but they don't really count...
June = DLZ (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, ensemble) BLESS ITS COTTON SOCKS.
August = Hooker (Gossip Girl, Jenny-mocking) Fun but no one watched. *shrug* I like vidding for small markets, I think.
November = Capital G (True Blood, Eric/Godric) Meh. But people liked it = yay!
That is SERIOUSLY UNDERWHELMING. I hadn't even realised! I mean I know I've felt really stalled with my vidding but I think the number of unfinished vids on my harddrive has been disguising the truth from me somewhat.
The rest of this meme is going to be seriously boring! It can be summed up by saying that I think DLZ is THE SHIT as far as my vidding goes.
I vote DLZ my most underappreciated vid because it is AWESOME, people. Seriously, you don't know what you are missing... :p Nah, it's not for everyone and I am really totally fine with that. I heart its small fanbase to pieces. It was also the hardest vid, though Capital G proved deceptively so as well--it was meant to be my light, throwaway piece but then demanded more than I felt I had as a vidder. :/
Hooker is interesting to read as the most unintentionally telling vid. It's really just a silly bit of fun (though I love that it pissed someone off so much they gave it one star on YouTube! *g*), but it does reflect the fact that I lost my emotional centre in terms of where I vid from. I didn't have love for ANYTHING in August this year, but I did have a fair bit of bitchiness. ;) And I hate social climbers. Gah.
Biggest vid fail
Hahaha, can the whole year be fail? I think a lot was going on for me creatively and personally and it feels like 2009 was a transition year for me. I struggled a lot with shifting from being in fandoms and happening to vid to being in... well, vidding fandom, I guess, since I don't really *have* an active fandom any more. (BSG broke me, Smallville derailed.) Turns out that is a LOT less fun. (Personal opinion, obviously) I also started the year absolutely batshit desparate to learn more and grow as a vidder and I learnt absolutely f-all. I blamed myself for nine tenths of the year and vidding fandom for about a tenth (yeah, that wasn't very nice of me--it's not like vidding fandom owes me shit, but I was BITTER and THWARTED, goddamn it!). In the end, I turned down the one offer I got of help because it would have come with strings, and I am happy with my decision on that, but I'm still left thinking 'hmm, how DO I actually get better at this?' In the last month or so this is starting to shift into 'oh fuck getting better at it, just make some vids! Stop being a perfectionist bitch!'
What this meme does not cover
I actually think I had a lot of breakthroughs in 2009 that are not apparent in my vidding yet. One was realising that vidding really mattered to me--mattered enough to stay here in fandom even without a fandom, mattered enough to put up with crazy politics and elitism, mattered enough to keep trying to do something more positive with myself even when I was really miserable and sad. It was actually really hard to admit that vidding meant that much to me. I had to admit to myself I was heartbroken to miss Vividcon, that I was lonely in the fandom, that I had no idea how to *be* in the fandom really... and all at a time when I had less motivation to vid than ever before and when everything I felt inspired to vid (mostly very dark, vitriolic BSG) was nothing anyone would want to watch. It was very confusing.
Then I think I had a huge breakthrough about audiences. I had always been puzzled by the way popularity works for vids, and I guess I'd bought in without realising it to the idea that the more popular your vid was, the better it was. I can say definitively and with my whole heart now: I don't think that is the case AT ALL. I guess I always knew that yet I sort of still wanted popularity? Now? I really don't. I got more satisfaction out of making vids with very specific audiences in mind this year than I did out of going for huge popular audiences in the past. When a vid matters to ME I will be 100 times more satisfied deep down even if it only gets 10 comments than if a vid that doesn't matter to me gets 100. I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me but I don't think my most popular vids are my best work, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are other vidders out there who find the same thing. I've made peace with that and I am happy with my decision not to send DLZ to Vividcon where it would have been constructed as a failure rather than safe in my heart where it is my only real accomplishment of the year.
Then there was all the social stuff... Gah. So I made that really controversial post after Vividcon. It was important to me in terms of being honest in the fandom, but I did NOT realise how big it was going to get. I kind of thought (oh so naive) that there would be other posts dealing with other aspects of the inclusion/exclusion issue (most of which are much more important than my little personal gripes) but alas, instead, my post kind of fell in the spotlight. I really wish more people at spoken up, but I also learnt just how scared people are. The amount of anon and private messages I received in those couple of weeks was startling.
After that I felt a lot of guilt and at the same time I felt like I could do something positive to help the community, regardless of how well my vidding went, and I want to carry that (though not the guilt!) forward into 2010. It was a real 'no one else will be bothered so just do it yourself thing'. So... the plan is vid chats up and running again, organise an Aus vidding get-together, potentially organise a UK gettogether for Mar/Apr 11. I've got to say that is REALLY daunting. I don't really have the self-belief required yet, I think, but somehow I have to find it. I do have the will, so I guess I hope stubbornness will get me over the line? o.O
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I think that's the biggest challenge for me in the year ahead. Basically after my big controversial post I just heaped all the problems on myself and have felt really overwhelmed as a consequence. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not helping people, and ironically that just makes me more likely to avoid doing the things I wanted to do to help. I need to get out of that mindset somehow or I won't accomplish anything.
On a final, minor-sounding but actually major point: I posted a vid to a comm for the first time and it was a great experience. :) That was a block I used to have!
I want to make some vids. Ones I like. I want to stop procrastinating. May 2010 be Bop's Year of Vidding Productivity!