Threnody (made for festivids, Nikita (Nikita & Alex)
Hug My Soul Vidukon premiere, Nodame Cantabile (Noda/Chiaki)
Puppy Powers Marry Me, Mary! (Mary/Mu-Gyul)
Dynamite Club Vivid Premiere, Dhoom:2
This Is The Last Time The Good Wife (Alicia/Will)
This was one hell of a year in my personal life. And there was that not inconsiderable matter of organising Vidukon. So I'm not going to go around bemoaning the lack of vids... I was busy and that's just how it was. There were times in these last few months when I missed vidding so much it made me tear up, but I knew I'd get back to it. I now no longer believe that it's something I can 'lose'. Sure, I feel rusty as hell right now and I am laying clips on timelines thinking 'how did I do this again???' but vidding is part of me. It will translate out on the timeline when the time is right and when I have a little more breathing space--something I'm determined to create for myself in 2012.
Despite the lack of output, 2011 was very significant for me in my vidding journey. In the first half I was still dealing with the emotional fallout of making Some Time Around Midnight and I'm Not Yours. The two (and they are linked for me) had taken a lot out of me and the reactions were another thing entirely. I learnt a lot about myself through both. With 'Midnight' no amount of comments could ever be enough--I had a huge hole in my heart (self-created through my own mind's torture) that could never persuade me that I hadn't totally 'failed' with it. Whereas with 'I'm Not Yours' I HONESTLY never expected a response and couldn't care less about getting one. It was vidded from the purest (if hardest) place. So having it become my most popular vid was kind of dizzying and disconcerting: at times validating, at other times just confusing (also quite bizarre and disturbing--Saudi Arabia?? Really?? YouTube analytics can sometimes reveal things you'd rather not know!). It was so personal to me that for a long time I had no idea what vid other people were seeing because how could they know what was in my head/heart when I made it?? I can now say that I have recovered from both experiences, though with 'Midnight' in particular I'm ashamed how much it took to move on. But it's always a journey ... and sometimes my relationship with my own vids continues to evolve once they're posted. I now feel much more certain of myself and much more sure I can face other challenges and take more risks emotionally in my vidding (since both of those were emotionally as risky as I'd been to date).
My favorite video this year (of my own):
Puppy Powers This was a very free vid for me, made from a place of joy and happiness and wanting to share that warmth with others. I've always been shy to put my vids forward but since this one was pure squee for me I happily inflicted it on others at Vidukon. :) That was another piece of emotional progress for me, and I don't regret it even if people were all 'err... o... k....'! :) Just LOOK HOW CUUUUTE THEY ARE!!! The cabbage! The skating! The huddling round a fire!
My least favourite video this year:
Hug My Soul But I still really like it!! I just think it's pretty average. I'm not going to be too critical of it though--I had a lot of fun vidding a song I love to a couple I love and it was a miracle I finished ANYthing while organising a con.
Most successful video:
Puppy Powers on YouTube. Within the LJ vidding community, it would probably be Threnody, which surprised me with how popular it was in festivids (though I should also mention that I think it's the most solid and interesting vid character-meta-wise this year).
However, it wouldn't be fair not to mention the irony that 2010's 'most underappreciated' (then) vid, I'm Not Yours, became the staggering numbers winner of 2011. Last year I was flipping out about 8000 views for one of my vids. Hell, I even made Hug My Soul as way of 'thank you' to those viewers! Well, the 650,000 views on I'm Not Yours kind of make a mockery of that now. I could never have predicted it, which is a GOOD thing to know--you can't ever really know what reaction you'll get.
Video most underappreciated by the universe, in my opinion:
Dear little Hug My Soul. Its 26 views are precious to me. It's not THAT bad! Actually I find it very very grounding to have made such a 'small' vid after 'I'm Not Yours'. Especially as there's a direct comparison to be made--I made HMS to please a specific audience (which ignored it); I made I'm Not Yours for me (and found an unexpected audience). I always vid for myself and I don't regret making 'HMS' because feeling that gratitude for that audience was really enjoyable for ME, but it is a good reminder that if you look for gratification purely from audience reaction (and not yourself) you'll wind up disappointed. Connecting with the material internally is the most important thing.
Most fun video:
Puppy Powers Pure joy!
Video with single sexiest moment:
LOL, the last seconds of This Is The Last Time definitely take the prize. *smothers giggles*
Biggest vid fail:
Fail? What fail?!! Fuck this fail business.
Hardest video to make:
Dynamite It may not look like it but it was very different working with this sort of footage, plus I had to make it in a real rush after Vidukon. More than that it was a HUGE step for me emotionally. I had always been scared to submit to Club Vivid as I'm one of those people who feel like it's where the 'good' vids get shown. I know, I KNOW I KNOOOOOOW all the reassurance about how everyone is drunk anyway and most vidders just use it as a place to have fun and play... but Club Vivid vids have been favourites of mine year after year and that's hard to shake. So it was a completely self-inflicted mental obstacle but I finally managed to knock it down. Whee!! Would have loved to have been there to see it play, and make all the hyperventilating in the last few days before finishing it worthwhile.
Most unintentionally telling video:
Toss up between Puppy Powers and This Is The Last Time, which combine to make me seem like the schmoopiest romantic of all time.
Things I learned:
- Zero technical things. Oh THAT'S why I feel so relaxed this year!!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. :p
- Vidding for fun and a 'time out' is just as important as making those 'big', hard, emotionally challenging vids.
- All the blocks are self-made. The only obstacle in my way is ME. The less I think, the better I vid--my mind is my enemy. Trusting my instincts is the only way forward.
Vid stuff I care about. :) An easy resolution since I already do it. I had to stop making one vid this year, which would have been a popular one, because I just couldn't find the right inner space for it. I may find it again, but I'm not going to push it because I don't see any point in 'faking' it. I feel my values as a vidder are now fully grounded. Although I can still get caught up in anxiety about what other people will think, I am far surer most of the time that it's complete bullshit and I should only listen to my own heart. I know from 2010 that following my own heart DOESN'T mean I won't ever grow as a vidder (which I thought previously).
Actually, I'll make a better resolution: Vid the SCARY stuff. Go into the fear. Lean into the fire and learn more about myself in the process--the more you risk, the more you gain. 2010 and 2011 combined taught me that in SPADES.
This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/240516.html. comments Comment here or there, as you will.