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12 August 2012 @ 03:15 pm
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So... you know how I posted a couple of months ago saying 'whee! I am off meds and all is AMAZING AND GREAT!'? Yeeaaaaaaaaaaah.... slightly premature, hence my long silence.

There followed a couple of weeks of excruciating pain and rising panic and anxiety. Without going into too much detail, I never want to live through that again. At least it will be a strong motivator never to go on that poison again.

Of course, I had (typically) attempted to do ALL THE THINGS in the month where I finally got to zero so crazy physical and emotional shit aside, I've also been rather busy. Edited several large projects for work plus my best friend's novels (soon-to-be ebooks). Had [profile] m_a_r_i_k_s visit (so much excitement!) and as well as hanging out and seeing some sights, helped her make a music video (zero experience on my part so it was one of the most insanely stressful but coolest things I've ever done). Crashed my car in the middle of said filming (thankfully no one injured but car nearly totalled). Learnt a few life lessons in the process.

Then there were a few weeks where I slept or lay on the sofa in a kind of comatose state of shock. I am just emerging...

Fannishly, I'm ... not fannish. Or at least it's at a 5-8 year low or something ... Better to be honest about that I think. Although, [profile] m_a_r_i_k_s and I watched The 10th Kingdom (looooove) and the third season of Farscape (ALL THE FEELINGS :((((((((((((((((() while she was here. However in terms of current fandoms I'm just not that engaged and unlikely to be so quickly.

But I do miss vidding and I am pleased to see the vids coming out of Vividcon right now...

I didn't log into my fandom email account for months so it was kind of TERRIFYING. O.O I forgot that one of the reasons I stopped doing so was that the vast deluge of comments I receive on 'I'm Not Yours' (especially in the wake of Lip Service Season 2) is very bad for my mental health. :( There were one or two gems (ah YouTube comments, never change in your whimsy and bad spelling...) but wading through offensive, ignorant, emotional or unthinking comments about a show and characters I'm still heartbroken over is not fun. I guess it was good to face it because it's been a hidden pain/fear.

On the positive side of things... I've now been off meds for a couple of months. Physically I feel great, emotionally I feel more resilient than ever before, even though I've had quite the number of emotional crises in that time. Not a single one of them made me consider reaching for medication. I feel great about that and especially grateful for the liberation from side effects which I'm starting to experience--notably my low blood pressure issues are markedly better, I shake less and I lost a couple of kilos without really noticing (ok that was probably partly due to the intense filming schedule but I'll take it!).

So that's me. How are you guys????

PS. I have strangely been missing Smallville lately. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE FINALE THIS HAS HAPPENED.

This entry was originally posted at http://bop-radar.dreamwidth.org/244040.html. comment count unavailable comments Comment here or there, as you will.
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Current Location: sofa of comfiness
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
 
Becka: snow white - a forest in your mindbeccatoria on August 12th, 2012 10:34 am (UTC)
Awesome - I mean, not awesome that you had to go through that stress, but awesome that you are now emerging from it. Sometimes fandom takes a lull, you know? I'm trying to work out how to balance my relative lack of desire to vid stuff (cus I don't have A Show right now, mostly, I think) with the fact I really miss the act of vidding, but when I do vid I'm so slow. I'm trying to just not freak out about it and see how I feel.

But one thing I really wanted to say was 10TH KINGDOM! OMFG I LOVED THAT! I have the DVDs somewhere and screw it, I'm gonna go find 'em and rewatch 'em all right now. Thanks for reminding me!
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Aishwarya lanternbop_radar on August 12th, 2012 10:58 pm (UTC)
Ahh, yeah... I find lull times really hard as a vidder. Vidding is my main creative outlet--I feel better when I vid. But sometimes you can't summon up inspiring material straight away. I've usually used those times to play around with things I'm less invested in (and have appreciated things like festivids at such time since vidding for someone else is a big motivator for me).

10th KINGDOM IS SO GOOOOOOOOOOD!!! :D Seriously, why don't they make shows like this any more?? Especially after the bullshit of Once Upon A Time, it shone wonderfully ... so much more coherent and well plotted and great characters... and very playful with the fairytale potentials--like they actually *knew* what they had in their hands (unlike OUAT which squandors all its opportunities). It made for a very good light watch at a time when I was off the charts anxious--good distraction.
amnisiasamnisias on August 12th, 2012 06:40 pm (UTC)
This post is so timely, we're all missing you a lot at VVC. As always I love hearing from you, even if it's just once in a blue moon, to keep track how things are going for you. Good that you are now starting to 'emerge on the other side' after all this tough stuff. Hope it continues in that direction.

There are a lot of good vids to enjoy from VVC and I'm hoping some of them are appealing to you even if you're not 'feeling' that much in fandom at the moment. But, YAY, Farscape!, I'm all their with you!

Btw, I noticed that you're listed in the VVC programme. Did you let them know you needed to roll-over again? Or did you just forfit your registration?

Hugs & cuddles
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Batgirlbop_radar on August 12th, 2012 10:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :) I hope you're having a great time at VVC--have been half keeping an eye on Twitter ;).

So far I haven't seen many but I liked Laura's Britta vid very much--it's probably the one one I've seen that touched my heart so far. Lots of super-fun big action pieces, of course, but I'm in a quieter mood. ;)

LOL, I probably forfited my registration... I DON'T EVEN KNOW!!! There were a couple of months there where I was seriously so brainwrecked I have no idea ... I did fail to reply to trelkez's query about a vid... (just found in my neglected inbox) ... I guess I supported Vividcon anyway? (I HAVE NO MEMORY OF SENDING MONEY, GULP.)
Ms Cranky Pants of the Depresso Blog: Crichton Strifebofoddity on August 12th, 2012 06:52 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear the withdrawal turned out to be so awful, glad to hear you're recovering from it! I'm also glad that Farscape is giving you feelings and share your lack of fannishness over new fandoms. Your projects sound fun and challenging and it seems like you've done well with them, which is awesome.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Deborah Morganbop_radar on August 12th, 2012 10:52 pm (UTC)
Mm, well I survived them. ;) I'll count that as 'doing well' for the meantime ;) Everything would have been a lot better had I not tried to do it all at once (or if I'd just locked myself in a room for two months).

Yeah, Farscape was a revelation to me, even though people kept telling me to persist with it... never expected it to get SO DARK and so heartbreaking. Was/am a mess at the end of season 3 and really need a break before I can watch on any further. But it was good, of course, to watch something that actually moved me on a level current shows don't really (even the ones I like are damn flawed).
silverscreengalsilverscreengal on August 13th, 2012 02:01 am (UTC)

I don't "know" you. We hardly "talk" on LJ. But I love seeing your post and knowing you are still hanging in there.

I still LOVE your (Smallville) vids best of all and have them on my iphone and still watch them on a "I-need-a-Tommy/Smallville-fix" basis.

Wishing you love and laughter and happiness always!!!

Thanks.

K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Aishwarya Raibop_radar on August 13th, 2012 09:13 am (UTC)
Thanks for the lovely kind thoughts! :) I'm glad my vids still give some joy! I think I need my own Tommy fix! ;)

I hope your life is full of good things to! :)
svgurl: clois s8svgurl on August 13th, 2012 07:15 am (UTC)
*hugs* I'm sorry you had to go through that but it's great that you managed to get through it and you're better than before! Yay for being busy and hanging out with friends! That sounds fun. The part about your car sucks, and I am glad you're okay.

I can relate to not being very fandom-ish. I mean, I read fics and all but I don't feel as involved in any one fandom these days.

PS. I have strangely been missing Smallville lately. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE FINALE THIS HAS HAPPENED.
SMALLVILLE. I go through periods of forgetting about it and then suddenly, one day I'll really miss it. It's weird.
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on August 13th, 2012 09:35 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Yeah, fannishness goes in waves... so it's fine really--I am grateful for the space I had to focus on my recovery.

I actually thought it would take me YEARS to miss Smallville, I was so burnt out at the end. ;) But turns out I can have pangs!
darlulu: pic#118100408darlulu on August 13th, 2012 07:45 am (UTC)
I should probably start off with the reminder that this is the ljer previously known as keewick in case you missed my initial post about the name change and are all who the heck is this darlulu chick?

I'm really glad you posted and checked in with us again. I'd been wondering how you were. I'm doubly glad you hung in there and came out the other side better than ever. When I went off my meds, I was only aware of the most immediate withdrawal symptoms (those that lingered the first week or two) and only found out long after the fact how symptoms can be felt for months afterward. Looking back now, I think I actually experienced a considerable stretch of anxiety/depression after going drug-free that probably in all likelihood could have been traced back to withdrawal. At the time I just attributed my general icky blahness to other factors because I didn't know any better. Anyway, time was probably the biggest help for me, and it sounds like it was at least a little for you as well.

I'm sorry you're not feeling particularly fannish right now. I was feeling pre-lull the last half year or so. My love for Merlin was paling a bit and I felt sorta adrift, but then I discovered Teen Wolf and fell for it like a ton of bricks. It's terribly silly at times, but actually getting stronger as it goes and the cast and head writer are super fun and generous to fans (see icon for proof of the awesome fan service they provide to slashers). But yeah even so, I'm not really in that vid headspace either. I vidded a Harry and Hermione friendship vid earlier this summer, my first vid in a long, long time, and it was a wonderful experience, but I'm not feeling compelled to vid again any time soon. Maybe when autumn arrives we'll both get reenergized and we can be vidding fools together once more. :)
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!: Ameliebop_radar on August 13th, 2012 09:43 am (UTC)
I remember but thanks for the prompt! :) It must be hard changing names...

Thank you for thinking of me! :) It was scary for a while. Because I couldn't help but notice the physical symptoms, I was also aware of the emotional ones, monitoring them... it's still an adjustment now to get used to how I react to things. I cry very easily, but it doesn't necessarily last long. I am much better at not attaching to such moments or thoughts. But the physical-emotional state for a few weeks was one of hyperarousal or something--my heart thumping, pulse racing, and near nausea all the time. Thank god it's 'quieter' now!!

Mmm, yeah... I hope we both find vidding inspiration again! :) I'm glad you found a piece you enjoyed making! I'll check it out... feels like eons since I vidded... but I'm sure something will come round again...
Everywhere and Nowhere: Billallzugern on August 13th, 2012 02:24 pm (UTC)
Good to hear from you - sorry that there were more side effects, but its huge that you stayed off the meds despite it. Having been on and off for years, I know the temptation when you're feeling crap. So go you!

Being on a fannish low sucks too; I didn't think I would ever feel strongly enough about anything to get pulled back in again, but it happened and while it's a little different than my obsession with SV and HP, it feels good to have that fannish blood pumping again.

I miss SV too, but only the first three seasons make me crave it. I keep wanting to go back and fix everything that went wrong after that :-)


*hugs*
K, Bop or Boppy--take your pick!bop_radar on August 13th, 2012 11:40 pm (UTC)
Haha, yeah, I know... my missing of Smallville definitely ISN'T missing the later seasons (except maybe some Oliver sparkle).

What are you into now? (Forgive me for not knowing--this is my first step back onto LJ/DW for months and months so I'm not up with everyone's entries.)

Thanks for the meds sympathy--yeah it's been interesting to watch myself through the process, and only belatedly see how strong--or at least clear underneath--I actually was (at the time you don't feel strong at all!).